Redneck Love Poem

Collards is green, my dog’s name is Blue, and I’m so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like corn silk a-flapping in the breeze, softer than Blue’s and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May, you ain’t got no scales but I luv you anyway.

Yo’re as satisfy’n as okry, jist a-fry’n in the pan, yo’re as fragrant as “snuff” right out of the can.

You have some’a yore teeth, for which I am proud, I hold my head high when we’re in a crowd.

On special occasions, when you shave under yore arms, well, I’m in hawg heaven, and awed by yore charms.

Still them fellers at work, they all want to know, what I did to deserve such a purdy, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape yo’re there fer yore man, to patch up life’s troubles and fix what you can.

Yo’re as cute as a June bug a-buzzin’ overhead, you ain’t mean like those far ants I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth like a plaid flannel shirt, you spark up my life more than a fresh load of dirt.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gun rack, my life is complete; ain’t nuttin’ I lack.

Yore complexion, its perfection, like the best vinyl sidin’, despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin’.

Me ‘n’ you’s like a Moon Pie with a RC cold drank, we go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate, they git it at Wal-Mart, it’s romantic that way.

Some men git roses on that special day, from the cooler at Kroger. “That’s impressive,” I say.

Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth, “diamonds are forever,” they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these won’t do, cause yor’e too special, you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift, without taste nor odor, more useful than diamonds… IT’S A NEW TROLLIN’ MOTOR!!

Luv, BUBBA

Aunt

A man is preparing to board a plane when he hears that the pope is on the same flight.

“This is exciting,”he thinks.
“Perhaps I�ll get to see him in person.”

Amazingly, the pope sits down next to him for the flight, but the man is too shy to speak to the pontiff.

Shortly after takeoff, the pope begins a crossword puzzle. “This is fantastic,” the man thinks. “Maybe he�ll ask me for help.”

Almost immediately, the pope turns to the man and says, “Do you know a four-letter word referring to a woman ending in �unt�?”

Only one word leaps to mind. “Oh, gosh,” the man thinks. “I can�t tell the pope that. There must be another word.”

The gentleman thinks for a while, then it hits him.

Turning to the pope, he says, “I think the word you�re looking for is �aunt.�”

“Of course,” says the pope. “Do you have an eraser?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazling

Mirror Mirror

Two blondes walking down the street. One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.”This picture looks like someone I know” she says. The other one has a look and says, “Of course dummy, it’s ME….”

Don’t think

Legend has it that there is a bar in New York where, in the ladies room there is a very special mirror. If one stands in front of the mirror and tells the truth, one wish is granted. However, if one tells a lie–*poof*– you are instantly swallowed up by the mirror, never to be seen again.

So, a redhead of questionable looks walks into the ladies room and stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the most beautiful woman in the world.” –*poof*– The mirror swallows her.

Next a rather large brunette stands before the mirror and says, “I think I’m the sexiest woman alive.” –*poof*– The mirror swallows her.

Then an absolutely gorgeous blonde comes in and stands before the mirror and says, “I think. . . .” –*poof*–

A

A
woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her
first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She
replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will
childbirth hurt?”
The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and
pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe
pain.”
“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?,” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
“Like this?”
“A little more…”
“Like this?”
“No. A little more…”
“Like this?”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”

There are more jokes like this at http://www.hamerkaz.com.au

Downsizing

~ Downsizing is good, right? Then let’s fire Uncle Sam!

~ Put politicians in their place – Landfills!

~ We will never have great leaders as long as we mistake
education for intelligence, ambition for ability, and
a winning smile for integrity!

~ Only lawyers get to be judges, and that’s the (F)LAW!