Did you hear about

Did you hear about the woman who was married to a succession of three Microsoft employees and still died a virgin?

Her first husband was in Training, and kept teaching her how to do it herself.

The second was in Sales, and kept telling her how good it was going to be.

And the third was in Tech Support, and kept saying ”Don’t worry, it’ll be up any minute now….”

When it rains, why don’t

When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you’re cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Anatomy

During a human science class for younger students, the teacher
asked the students what part of the human body could grow to six
times its size at certain times. A little girl raised her hand
and said, “Teacher, you know my daddy’s a preacher and you know
we don’t say those words in my house. You are just trying to
embarrass me.” Next he called on Johnny and Johnny said, “The
iris, it grows to six times it size when you are in the dark.”
Teacher said, “That’s right Johnny.” Then said, “Little girl you
have a very dirty mind, and when you grow up and get married one
day, you are going to be very disappointed.”

Baby Owner’s Manual

Stay clear of the ejection port(s) both front and rear.

Beware of objects thrown from unit, both solid and liquid.

Please carry unit with care as handle placement is not optimum.

Use caution when dispensing fluids not to spill them on sensitive components of unit.

Do not drop unit as this may cause damage.

Do not submerge unit for extended periods of time.

Do not leave unit submerged while unattended as this may harm the unit.

Do not leave unit unattended in public places.

Do not expose unit to extreme temperatures.

Make sure to use proper approved restraints when transporting unit in a vehicle, i.e. no duct tape or string.

Make sure to fuel unit through proper opening.

Multiple units operating in close proximity may be hazardous to your health and mental well being.

Unit is delivered “as is” and may not be returned or exchanged. No warranty should be implied.

Software upgrades may be administered throughout the life of the unit.

Hardware upgrades may be applied later in the life of the unit, but are discouraged.

When unit malfunctions, a hard reboot may be performed by applying moderate force to the units rear panel. This will disrupt the unit’s improper behavior but will not cause permanent harm to the unit. This may actually extend the life of the unit and ensure unit behaves as desired in later years. This practice should be performed as often as unit malfunctions.

Unit may later exhibit desire to permanently mark or drill its case. This should be discouraged by the operator.

Unit may require periodic maintenance. The use of lubricants, disinfectants, powders, and other consumable supplies is encouraged to keep unit functioning.

Unit may suffer an air build up after fueling. To expel this air, gentle taps should be applied to unit’s upper rear case until all air is expelled. Continuing to tap after expulsion of trapped air may result in sudden fuel expulsion.

Unit will periodically expel byproducts. As much as operator may wish to discuss the properties of these byproducts with others, the practice is discouraged.

Those desiring orders of multiple units should seek the care of a certified mental health professional.

Copyright Dan Kidder, 2004

Having a wife

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam’s ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and asked, “Johnny what is the matter?”

Little Johnny responded, “I have a pain in my side. I think I’m going to have a wife.”

Submitted by Curtis

Top 10 signs your presidential candidate is under-qualified

10. Promises to improve foreign relations with Hawaii.9. Runs a series of attack ads against Martin Sheen’s character on “The West Wing.”8. His #1 choice to work on his cabinet is “That Bob Vila guy.”7. Outstanding record as Governor of Rhode Island nullified by the fact that no one really cares.6. Got his degree in Political Economics by bribing Sally Struthers with a chocolate donut.5. Anybody mentions Washington, he asks, “The state or the DC thingie?”4. At the debates, answers every question with a snarled, “You wanna wrestle?!?”3. Vows to put an end to the war in Pokemon and free the Pikachu refugees once and for all.2. Says the Pledge of Allegiance as quickly as possible, then shouts, “I win!”1. On the very first question of the debate, he attempts to use a LIFELINE.

10 things not to say during sex

10)I should have used a condom…
9)Golly, do you need help!
8)Boy, do I want to speak to your pimp!
7)That thing ain’t bigger than your sister’s or mom’s!
6)That was not worth every cent!
5)Is there a money back guarantee?
4)Do you have a microscope on you?
3)There are medical solutions for that.
2)Wow! You must centimeter Sam!
1)Can I supersize that fry?