Van dos sacerdotes caminando por la calle y en sentido contrario viene una bella mujer que se est� pudriendo de lo buenota que est�. De pronto sopla el viento, le levanta la falda y se le ven unos carnosos muslos y una cadera suculenta.
“Padre, �usted no es sensible a estas situaciones?” dice uno de los sacerdotes.
“�Hermano, si la sotana fuera de hierro usted hubiese quedado sordo del campanazo!”
En un bar hay un borracho que llora y llora como un beb�… Un buen hombre se le acerca y trata de charlar con �l para consolarlo:
“�Qu� le pasa buen hombre, por qu� est� tan angustiado?”
“Es que hace un par de horas le vend� mi esposa a un tipo por una botella de whisky…”
“Comprendo, debe ser terrible, ahora que ella no est� viene el arrepentimiento y la querr�a volver a tener a su lado.”
“�Totalmente correcto, as� es, sin ninguna duda, as� es!”
“Y ahora que se fue se da cuenta de lo mucho que la amaba, y…”
“�No, no, no! Desear�a volver a tenerla porque ya me hace falta otra botella.”
A young lady walks into a doctors office. “Doctor I’m suffering from a terrible discharge.”
The doctor lays her down, lifts up her dress and has a good probe around and asks her, “How does that feel?”
The young lady replies, “Oooh doctor, that feels lovely… but the discharge is from my ear!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
The Washington Post published a contest for readers
in which they were asked to supply alternate meanings
for various words.
The following were some of the winning entries:
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat
stomach. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you
absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks
you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed
by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die,
your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck there.
Pokemon (n), A Jamaican proctologist.
A man liked to sleep frequently in church, so the pastor devised a plan.
During one service the pastor asked his congregation while the man was
sleeping, “All who want to go to heaven, please rise.” Everyone stood up
except the sleeper.
Then, at the top of his voice, he bellowed, “ALL WHO WISH TO GO TO HELL,
STAND UP NOW!” Only the sleeper stood up.
The sleeper looked around and said, “I don’t know what we’re voting on,
Reverend, but it looks like you and me are the only ones for it.”
There was once an old farmer whose only virtue was 3 beautiful daughters. One night, they were all going out on dates with their respective beaus. There came a knock at the door, and he answered.
“Hi!” said the young man standing there. “My name’s Joe. I’m here to pick up Flo. we’re going to the show. Is she ready to go?” “Yes, I’ll go and get her” said the farmer.
About 10 minutes later there’s another knock. “Hi, my name’s Eddy. I’m here to pick up Betty. We’re going to eat spaghetti. Is she ready?” So the farmer goes and fetches her.
Another 10 minutes go by, and there’s a 3rd knock. “Hi, my name’s Tucker…” And before he can say another word, the farmer grabs him by the neck, drags him out the back, and shoots him.
A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.”
The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?”
“Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife. Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer�s.”
“Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?”
“Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.
“Then what?” says the distraught man.
“Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, Don’t have sex with her!”
A supply of Viagra was stolen last night, police are looking for two hardened criminals and they can expect stiff sentences when caught!
In Paris, there’s a 70-year-old “Lady of the Night” listed in the Yellow Pages.
In fact, She’s the oldest trick in the book!
Q: How can you tell when there is a drummer at your front door?A: The knocking gets faster.