Q: How many science fiction writers does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Two. One to screw in the light bulb, and one to say, “In 1876, Jules Verne had the first intimations that electrostatic power was a viable energy alternative. Hitherto, the only sources …”
There are 3 blondes hanging onto a car which is dangling of a cliff.
One blonde goes to the other two “the cars starting to move,one of us are going to have to let go to save the other two”
Then one blonde goes its not me,The other says its not me either
so the 3rd blonde says ok it will be me.
And the two other blondes start claping.
What do you call a zit on a blondes ass? Brain tumor.
A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and he’s stopped in Connecticut for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath and then he sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and he says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”The minister says, “Just water.”The sheriff says, “Then why do I smell wine?”And the minister looks down at the bottle and says, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”
The wife had a birthday and her husband wanted to know what she desired.She always fancied having a sports car, so she said she’d like to have a jaguar. He didn’t think it was best for her. But, she prevailed and begged until he gave in and got her one.It ate her.
The inventor of dormitories . . . let’s find him, make him pay for the
travesties he’s visited on America’s youth, and force him to listen to
Matchbox 20. Can’t you see him designing these hellish stacks of
humanity many years ago? From the sidewalk he raised his hands
triumphantly and said, “It shall be like the projects with less violence
and more marijuana!” He then took lumber and Elmer’s Paste, as it is
often called, to create these pet carrier sized rooms that we live in.
You wanna know why people from the projects hardly ever go to college?
It’s because they don’t want to leave their lush surroundings.
The actual term dormitory is of course derived from the Latin term
for sleep, which is appropriate because that is all you have space to
do. You have to do it standing up in the bathroom sink but it can be
done. The luckier students have space to scratch their asses but the
windows have to be open and their roommates have to be gone for the
weekend. When you go home the closets even feel like a gymnasium, and
you can romp around in the bathroom like a horny antelope.
I can’t imagine the kids who brought everything they own to the
dorm. I brought like a condom and a sock. Next semester I hope to have a
towel and the other sock. I also need a new condom. Forget
having space to sleep. Who sleeps anyway? Nobody on my campus.
I think it’s a rule. This one kid tried but no one knows what happened
to him. Let’s just say his floormates never saw him awake again. I feel
like I’m a member of the national insomnia coalition. 0ur agenda
involves a lot of Frappacino and staring at the test pattern on tv. It’s
like this strange pseudo-vampire lifestyle. Did you know that if you
stay up late enough they play the Tonight Show over again and it still
isn’t funny? No sleep really fucks with your eating habits too. Every
night at 2 in the morning you get as hungry as a Bosnian and you have to
go to the vending machine to watch the one bagel spin in the carousel of
People have White Zombie playing until 5 AM, which to me really
encompasses my mood at 5AM. I could be listening to Kenny G and it
would seem hardcore at 5 in the morning. It doesn’t matter because you
still can’t get an open clothes drier minutes before sunrise. There’s
like this one chick whose always tying up an entire drier with like one
pair of panties. I let it slide because it gives me an opportunity to
watch hypnotically tumbling panties. The worst is when she turns out to
be morbidly obese and you have to vomit in your laundry basket. Not that
the dryers work anyway. I could fart on my laundry and get it drier than
the converted toaster ovens that the university supplies. Dry jeans?
Forget about it. I had to convert mine to a deep-sea wet suit.
So what if you want to leave the dorm?Get ready for a chore.
You’ll need keys, ID, bag, books, a map, an umbrella, sun glasses,
insulin, a snake bite kit, mace, a pack mule, and an Algonquin Indian
translator (Miami students you know what that’s all about). Then you
have to go walking through the building kissing the asses of all the
dweebs you live with and holding the door for anyone in the same county.
What’s with the door holding policy? Like opening a door requires a
spotter. If you’ve got arms, a coordinated foot, or useful nub, open
your own God damn door.
No matter where you go you have to use these gerbil-on-a-wheel
elevators. I could climb up the side of the building with a corpse tied
to my johnson in less time than it takes for the door to close. Then you
have to fucking march for miles from your dorm which is conveniently
placed on fucking opposite side of the campus from any building that is
fucking remotely important.
People on rollerblades I accept, people on bikes I have urges to
clothesline but tolerate, but people on skateboards have a value just
below medically retarded nazis. It must be explained to them that
skateboards were cool when we were 11 and even then they weren’t that
Where are you headed? Probably to get something to eat at the
dining hall. The only dish they haven’t fucked up is Lucky Charms. I
think the university supplies them with a blender and unlimited horse
meat mixed with some retired circus animals. The key to making the menu
fresh and exciting is the food coloring. The charming and buck-toothed
lunch ladies proudly announce, “Yesterday we had chicken nuggets and
today we present to you blue chicken chunks that are totally unrelated
to the nugget dish we served you just yesterday. We are serious, they
have nothing to do with each other. I stake my hair net on it. You can
have extra blue in yours.” And the ladies (who really seem to love livin
in the exciting scooping career) refuse to serve more than what fits on
a toothpick. You can’t just ask for a large portion, you have to ask for
“more than the offensive line could consume this semester.” Then you get
a second blue nugget. Remember how excited the potato bar got you the
first week? Now the potato bar makes you homicidal. (What are bacon
flavored bits madeof?)
Then you get to come home to your room. Mine is called a suite,
which is a pretty cruel manipulation of the English language. I get to
spend time with the closet case that the boarding office apparently
found compatible with me. He’s like Chewbacca’s considerably less
attractive estranged midget cousin. A wookie also has better control of
the English language. My roommate is another rant all together. Most
people get one of two kinds of roommates, the one who sharpens knives
while he watches you sleep (mine), and the one who asks you what it’s
like to go outside (also mine). My suite mates next door live an
intensely Rastafarian lifestyle. In an attempt to put Cheech and Chong
to shame, their bong is a centerpiece of the room that they clean with
wadded textbook pages. They smoke to Bob Marley at 3AM on Wednesday
nights which is a little too hardcore but you have to love their
dedication to the sport.
End your dorm day by hopping in the shower. It’s as big as a
tupperware container. It has 3 temperatures, fucking hot, really fucking
hot, and nuclear. Whenever somebody flushes a toilet on the campus the
temperature goes to skin removal levels and I go blind for a few
minutes. I swear it is connected to every toilet. My brother flushed the
toilet at home last week and I called him to tell him to be a little
more considerate. The bathroom is as clean as any fast food restaurant
urinal cake and after the average college student cleans the shitter
with a bottle of Vodka it’s as clean as any bus station. I’ve given up
on cleaning the bathroom and I’m disinfecting myself. A quick spray down
with Lysol Direct and my body is fresh and repellant to several
Bottom line. Turn up the music and try to get high off the fumes
coming from under the bathroom door because they never share. The
“best days of your life” will be over soon.
1. I would not allow this employee to breed.
2. This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more definitely a won�t be.
3. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.
4. When she stops to open her mouth, it seems it is only to change whichever foot was previously there.
5. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.
6. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
7. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
8. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
9. This employee should go far and sooner he starts, the better.
10. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
11. The biggest tool in the shed.
12. Got into the gene pool when the lifeguard wasn�t looking.
13. A room temperature IQ.
14. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it together.
15. A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
16. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
17. A prime candidate for natural deselection.
18. One-celled organisms outscore him in IQ tests.
19. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
20. Fell out of the family tree.
21. Bright as Alaska in December.
22. Gates are down, lights are flashing, but the train isn�t coming.
23. Has two brains: one is lost; and the other is looking for it.
24. If brains were taxed she would get a refund.
25. If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
26. He�s so dense light bends around him.
27. If you gave him a penny for his thoughts you would get change.
28. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.
29. It�s hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.
30. One neuron short of a synapse.
31. Takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes.
32. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he only gargled.
33. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
34. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.
35. His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of mobid curiosity
A woman is driving home in Northern Arizona when she sees a Navajo woman hitchhiking.
Because the trip had been long and quiet, she stops the car and the Navajo woman climbs in.
During their small talk, the Navajo woman glances surreptitiously at a brown bag on the front seat between them.
“If you’re wondering what’s in the bag,” offers the woman, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”
The Navajo woman is silent for a while, nods several times and says, “Good trade.”
Submitted by ���rt��
Edited by yisman
Q: What would king Henry VIII be doing if he was alive right now?
A: Scratching at the lid of his coffin of course!!!
1. There are no dental records
2. All the DNA is the same.