Senile

A 64-year old man was sitting on a park bench crying his eyes out. Just then a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong. Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a 22-year old woman who I recently married.” “What’s wrong with that?” the you man asks. Between his sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You don’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love. At lunchtime she comes home, we make love again and then she prepares my favourite meal. In the afternoon when she gets a break, she rushes home and gives me oral sex, the best a man could want. And at suppertime, and all night long, we make love.” The old man breaks down, no longer able to speak. The young man puts his arm around him and says, “I don’t understand. It sounds like you have the perfect realationship. Why on earth are you crying??” The senile old man answers through his tears, “I forgot where I live!!!”

Sue over the property

Did you know that heaven and hell are actually right next to each other? They are seperated by a big chain-link fence. Well, one day hell was having a big party and it got a little out of hand. God heard the ruckus and arrived to find his fence completely smashed by the wild partiers. He called the devil over and said “Look, Satan, you have to rebuild this fence.” Satan agreed. The next day God noticed that the devil had completely rebuilt the fence…but it was 2 feet further into heaven than before. “Satan!” beckoned God. “You have to take that fence down and put it back where it belongs!” “Yeah? What if I don’t?” replied the devil.”I’ll sue you if I have to,” answered God.”Sure,” laughed Satan. “Where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Clinton Soup

One of the Nation’s largest Soup Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking Americas shelves this week with their newest Soup creation, “Clinton Soup”, that will honor one the nations most distinguished men. It consists primarily of a small weenie in hot water.

Electric Chair

A chemist, a biologist and an electrical engineer were on death row waiting
to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first.

“Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner,
strapping him in.
“No,” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and
nothing happened.

Under this particular State’s law, if an execution attempt fails, the
prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released.

Then the biologist was brought forward.
“Do you have anything you want to say?”
“No, just get on with it.”
The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the
biologist was released.

Then the electrical engineer was brought forward.
“Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner.
“Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over,
you might make this thing work.”

One day a lady went to the doctors’ office…

One day a lady went to the doctors’ office
and told the doctor that her husband wasn’t
interested in her any more he just wouldn’t
have sex with her anymore.

So the doctor went into the back of the shop
and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her
that “if you give your husband one of these
pills then he would have sex with you.”

So she bought the pills and took them home.
She put one in his dinner and he ate it.
They had sex till midnight. The next day
she thought it was so good that she wanted
some more. so she put two in his dinner and
they had sex till twelve noon the next day.
She thought it was so good that she put all
of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.

Three weeks later a little kid was outside
screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked
him what was wrong the little kid said, “My
mom is dead, my sister is pregnent, my asshole
hurts and my dad is in there on the floor
saying, here kitty kitty kitty”

Incontinent leprechaun

One day a man walked in a bar with a box. He sat down, opened the box, and out
popped a leprechaun. The man told the bartender, “I want a Rolling Rock and a
shot of whiskey for my buddy here�.

There was man sitting at the end of the bar watching all of this and, after
the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey; he ran down to the end of the bar and
spit in the guy’s face. Then he ran back.

The guy with the box said, “I’ll have another Rolling Rock and a shot of
whiskey for my buddy here.”

After the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he again ran to the end of the
bar and spit in the man’s face, then dashed back.

The guy with the box ordered another beer for himself and another shot for the
leprechaun. Again, the after the leprechaun drank his shot of whiskey, he ran
down to the end of the bar. But this time the man was waiting for him and he
grabbed the leprechaun and held him in the air.

He said, “If you spit in my face again, I’m going to cut your pecker off�.

The leprechaun laughed and said, “Leprechauns don’t have peckers�.

Then the man said, “If you don’t have peckers, then how do you pee?”

One for my friend

Sven and Osmond are good friends. Each day, they get together after work and have a shot in a local bar. This is a tradition that goes on for some time. One day, Osmond says to Sven, “Sven, if I die before you, promise me that you will have a shot for me, each day.” Sven considers this and agrees. Well, sure enough, Osmond dies, and sure enough, Sven has an extra shot for him every day after work. This goes on for some time, and the waitress is quite familiar with the ritual and the reason. One day, Sven comes in and orders one drink. Well, the waitress is shock, and says, “But, Sven, aren’t you going to have another drink for your friend, as usual?” Sven says, “Well, you see, I joined Alcoholics Anonymous, but I don’t think that Osmond should be punished for that.”

The Rich Lady and her Butler

A rich lady gives her butler the night off because she is going out on a date.

When she arrives back home from the date she saw the butler was still home and sitting in the front room.

The rich lady approaches the butler and requests that he remove her dress, so the butler removes her dress. She then asks the butler to remove her bra, which he does. She then asks him to remove her panties and he this this also.

The lady then tells the butler never to dress in her clothes again.