Putting Out

He says, “Come on, babe, let’s go in the alleyway and get it on. I’ve got fifteen bucks.”She says, “FIFTEEN bucks? You’re crazy. For fifteen bucks, I’ll let you LOOK at it.”They go into the alleyway, she pulls down her pants, and he gets down on his knees. But he can’t see anything, because it’s too dark, so he gets out his lighter.He lights his lighter, and he says, “My God, your pubic hair… it’s so curly and thick… it’s BEAUTIFUL.”She says, “Thank you.”He says, “You mind if I ask you a personal question?”She says, “Go ahead.”He says, “Can you PEE through all that hair?”She says, “Of course.”He says, “Well, you better start. You’re on fire.”

Results of damage testing

It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration (FAA) has a unique device for
testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that
launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the
plane flies.

The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crack from the carcass impact,
it’ll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British
were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new,
speedy locomotive they’re developing.

They borrowed the FAA’s chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The
ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer’s chair,
broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine
cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if
everything was done correctly.

The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: “Use a thawed

The Ten Commandments

During his visit to the United Statesthe Pope met with President Clinton.
Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days.
Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summitwas a resounding
success. He said that he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they
discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House
to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked
tired, discouraged and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his
meeting with the President was a failure. Incredulous, one reporter asked,
“But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a
great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed.”
Exasperated, the Pope answered, “Yes, but we were talking about the Ten

Math through the years

Teaching Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his

Teaching Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What
is his profit?

Teaching Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set “L” of lumber
for a set “M” of money. The cardinality of set “M” is 100. Each
element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the
elements of the set “M”. The set “C”, the cost of production,
contains 20 fewer points than set “M.” Represent the set “C” as
a subset of set “M” and answer the following question: What is
the cardinality of the set “P” for profits?

Teaching Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for
$100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your
assignment: Underline the number 20.

Teaching Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees,
the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a
living? Topic for class participation after answering the
question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the
logger cut down the trees?… There are no wrong answers.

Teaching Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a
company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much
capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock
options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed,
because this encourages investment.

Teaching Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers.
The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is
down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average
logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks
vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The
contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good

Teaching Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home
and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes
into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal,
mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets
lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his
kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the

Teaching Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom
for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL
programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the
probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own
as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

New Guy

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.

“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.

“John,” the new guy replied.

The manager scowled, “Look… I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only… Smith, Jones, Baker… That’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”

The new guy sighed, “Darling. My name is John Darling.”

“Okay John, the next thing I want to tell you is . . .”

Day off

So you want a day off? Let’s take a look at what you are asking for!

There are 365 days this year.

There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work.

Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available.

You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break. That accounts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available.

With a one hour lunch period each day, you have used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work.

You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days available for work.

We are off for 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days.

We generously give you 14 days vacation per year which leaves only one day available for work and I’ll be damned if you’re going to take that day off!

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Egg Dispute

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast.

One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman’s garden.

He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen.

The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

“In my family,” the Scotsman said, “we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I knock you down and time how long it takes you to get back up. Then you kick me down and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.”

The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman found his heaviest pair of boots kicked the Englishman as hard as he could and knocked him over. The Englishman fell to the floor and howled in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Englishman stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to kick you.”

The Scotsman said, “No. You can keep the egg!”