On the Train

A WW II American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a base in the south of England, then caught a train to London. The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit.

Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other. There was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her. “Could I please sit in that seat” he asked.

The lady was insulted. “You Americans are so rude” she said, “can’t you see my dog is sitting there”?

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. “Lady, I love dogs – have a couple at home – so I would be glad to hold your dog if I could sit down” he said.

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude you are arrogant” she said.

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, “Lady, I’ve been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I please sit there and hold your dog?”

The lady replied, “You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious.”

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped in, picked up the dog, threw it out the widow, and sat down.

The lady was speechless.

An older, neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up.

“Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady’s description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong bitch out of the window!”

Funeral service

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the
end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they
accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.
They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is
actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies.
A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the
pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband
cries out, “Watch the wall!”

Thanksgiving & Christmas Tatoos

A woman goes into a tattoo parlor and tells the tattoo artist
that she wants a tattoo of a turkey on her right thigh just
below her bikini line.

She also wants him to put the words “Happy Thanksgiving” under
the turkey.

So the guy does it and it comes out looking real good.

The woman then instructs him to put a Santa Claus with “Merry
Christmas” on her left thigh just below the bikini line.

So the guy does that one and it turns out pretty good as well.

As the woman is getting dressed to leave, the tattoo artist
says, “If you don’t mind, could you tell me why you had me put
such unusual tattoos on your thighs?”

She replies, “I’m sick and tired of my husband complaining all
the time that there is nothing good to eat between Thanksgiving
and Christmas!”

Sergeant Major Dick

An army Sergeant Major walked into a whorehouse one night and
approached the madam and said, “My name is Sergeant Major Dick
and I’m here for a woman!”.

The madam immediatly escorted the soldier upstairs and selected
the best call girl that they had working that night. Segeant
Major Dick disrobed and was standing with his hands on his hips
while he looked at the prostitute awaiting him on the bed. He
then siad, “My name is Sergeant Major Dick. Been in the Army 30
years and I’m a master of my mind and body. Dick, ATTEN-HUN!”
Immediatly his penis became fully erect. The prostitute was in
awe and asked him how he was able to do that. The Sergeant
replied “Like I said, I am a master of my mind and body. Dick,
AT EASE!” His penis immediatly went limp. The prositute couldn’t
belive the control this man had and asked for another
demonstration. He repeated his comands and again the penis
responded immediatly. Still amazed, the protitute asked for one
last demonstration.

“Dick, ATTEN-HUN!” His penis became erect.

“Dick, AT EASE!”

This time to his amazement, his penis did not go limp. Again, he
gave the command, “Dick, AT EASE!” No luck. At this point, he
was outraged. “Apparently you didn’t hear me soldier…Dick AT
EASE!” Still erect. He moved over to the corner of the room and
started to masturbate vigorously. The prostitute asked “Why the
hell are you doing that?!”

“This soldier disobeyed a direct order,” the Sergeant replied,
“I’m giving him a dishonourable discharge!”.

KFC and the Pope

After watching sales falling off for three straight months at
Kentucky Fried Chicken, the Colonel calls up the Pope and asks
for a favor.

The Pope says, “What can I do?”

The Colonel says, “I need you to change the daily prayer from,
‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our
daily chicken’. If you do it, I’ll donate 10 Million Dollars to
the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, “I am sorry. That is the Lord’s prayer and I
can not change the words.”

So the Colonel hangs up. After another month of dismal sales,
the Colonel panics, and calls again.

“Listen your Excellency. I really need your help. I’ll give you
$50 million dollars if you change the words of the daily prayer
from ‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our
daily chicken.'”

And the Pope responds, “It is very tempting, Colonel Sanders.
The church could do a lot of good with that much money. It would
help us support many charities. But, again, I must decline. It
is the Lord’s prayer, and I can’t change the words.”

So the Colonel gives up again. After two more months of terrible
sales the Colonel gets desperate. “This is my final offer, your
Excellency. If you change the words of the daily prayer from,
‘Give us this day our daily bread’ to ‘Give us this day our
daily chicken’ I will donate $100 million to the Vatican.”

The Pope replies, “Let me get back to you.”

So the next day, the Pope calls together all of his bishops and
he says, “I have some good news and I have some bad news. The
good news is that KFC is going to donate $100 million to the
Vatican.”

The bishops rejoice at the news. Then one asks about the bad
news.

The Pope replies, “The bad news is that we lost the Wonder Bread
account.”

Burger King won’t let you

Burger King won’t let you do it your way, right away.You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can’t remember your wifes birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can’t remember how old your children are.