God’s Lottery Advice

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray…”God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.Joe again prays…”God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.Once again, he prays…”My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”

Dumb Criminal at the Photo Mart

Roland Tough, 22, dropped off a roll of film to be developed at a Tesco supermarket in England. When employees looked at the resulting prints, they recognized the men in the photos as the thieves who had robbed the store two weeks before, now posing with their loot from the robbery. Police arrested Tough when he came back to pick up his pictures. He said he had taken the photos to “show friends in prison how well he was doing.”

yo momma is so fat you have to grease the…

yo momma is so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side to get her threw

yo momma so fat she woke up and fell off on both sides of the bed

yo momma is so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her as the new world

yo momma so fat she sat on the toilet and if it could talk it would say abcdefg get your fat butt off of me hijklmnop hurry up your squishing me

God’s time and money

A preacher went into his church and he was praying to God. While he was praying, he asked God, “How long is 10 million years to you?”

He replied, “1 second.”

The next day the preacher asked God, “God, how much is 10 million dollars to you?”

And God replied, “A penny.”

Then finally the next day the preacher asked God, “God, can I have one of your pennies?”

And God replied, “Just wait a sec.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown

Ping Pong Balls

A king had a gorgeous daughter of wedding age. Three princes wanted to
marry the princess. So the king said, “Whoever can bring me back the most
ping pong balls gets to marry the my daughter.” So the three princes went
out looking for ping pong balls.

The first prince came back with his horse carrying two sacks filled with
ping pong balls. He figured he made it with no problem.

Then, the second prince came back with ten horse carrying sacks filled
with ping pong balls on each horse. He thought he would make it all the
way.

Finally, the third prince came back. He was all beat up. His clothes were
all ripped up, black and blue eyes, skinned knees, and the rest of him was
completely demolished. The king asked, “What happened? You didn’t find any
ping pong balls?”

The prince said, “What the hell do you mean ping pong balls! I thought you
said king kong’s balls!”

80 year old man

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them. Twice.

The priest said: “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?” “Never Father, I’m Jewish.” “So then, why are you telling me?” “Because I’m telling everybody!”

For A Day…

What Men Would Do If They Had A Vagina For A Day
1. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers
2. Squat over a handheld mirror for an hour and a half
3. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch
4. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes…BEFORE
closing time
5. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more
without sleeping first.
6. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too
7. Finally find that damned G-spot

What Women Would Do If They Have A Penis For A Day
1. Find out what’s so fascinating about “beating your meat”
2. Determine why you can’t hit the bowl consistently.
3. Find out what it’s like to be on the other end of a surging
orgasm
4. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as
funny as it looks
5. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
6. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
7. Get a blow job