By the Lantern Light

The crofter’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. To keep the father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said: “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”

Soon, a lusty baby boy was brought into the world.

“Och!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern by…I think there’s yet another wee bairn to come.”

Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie lass.

“Na, dinna be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, lad…It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.

The crofter scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor: “Well, now, mon. Do ye suppose the light’s attracting them?”

Ants

A priest comes out of the church to find a young boy sitting on the steps. The boy is killing ants by smashing them with his thumb, saying, “Fucking ants,” with each smash.

The priest watches for a moment, horrified, before running over to the boy. “What are you doing!?!?!” the priest shouts at the boy.

“I’m killing these fucking ants,” responds the boy.

Visibly upset, the priest sits next to the boy. “My son, don’t you know that it is wrong to harm any of God’s creatures? God created every living being and it is a sin to kill any of them, including ants.”

The boy thinks about this a minute and says to the priest, “But these ants don’t do anything. They just bother people.”

The priest responds, “Everything in life has a purpose my son, including these ants. I want you to go home and think about that. In fact, I challenge you to come back here in one week and see if you can think of three things in life that do not have a purpose.”

One week passes and the priest emerges from the church to find the same little boy sitting on the steps, smashing ants with his thumb, reciting the same, “Fucking ants,” phrase.

The priest screams at the boy to stop. Rushing over to him, the priest says to the boy, “My son, I thought I told you that everything has a purpose and it is a sin to interfere with that purpose! Why are you killing these ants? Did you do as I instructed? Were you really able to think of three things in life that do not have a purpose?”

The boy looks up at the priest and says, “Yeah, I thought of three things that don’t have a purpose. Tits on a nun, balls on a priest, and these fucking ants!”

Life in the old dog yet?

This elderly couple is watching one of those television preachers on TV one
night. The preacher faces the camera, and announces, “My friends, I’d like to
share my healing powers with everyone watching this program. Place one hand on
top of your TV & the other hand on the part of your body which ails you and I
will heal you.”
The old woman has been having terrible stomach problems, so she places one
hand on the television, and her other hand on her stomach. Meanwhile, her
husband approaches the television, placing one hand on top of the TV and his
other hand on his groin.
With a frown his wife says, “Ernest, he’s talking about healing the sick, not
raising the dead.”

4 Docs and GW Bush!

4 Doctors were talking shop one day…

An Israeli doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced, we can take a kidney out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor said “That’s nothing! In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor said, “In my country, medicine is so advanced, we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

The American doctor, not to be outdone, said “Hah!
We are about to take an asshole out of Texas, put him in the White House and half the country will be looking for work the next day!”

Red, Yellow, and Green!

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”

The mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”

The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence”.

The Mexican man of course agrees.

The Border Patrol Agent tells him, “The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.”

The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says,
“Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,… I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?”

Dead Pussy

An old maid wanted to travel by bus to the pet cemetery with the remains of her cat. As she boarded the bus, she whispered to the driver, I have a dead pussy.The driver pointed to the woman in the seat behind him and said, Sit with my wife. You two have a lot in common.

Washing the Dog!

Washing The Dog

A young boy, about eight years old, walks into the local grocery store and picks our a huge box of laundry detergent.

The grocer walked over, and trying to be friendly, asked the boy if he had a lot of laundry to do.

“Oh, no laundry,” the boy said, “I’m going to wash my dog!”

“But you shouldn’t use this to wash your dog. It’s very powerful and if you wash your dog in this, he’ll get sick. In fact, it might even kill him.”

But the boy was not to be stopped and carried the detergent to the counter and paid for it, even as the grocer still tried to talk him out of washing his dog.

About a week later the boy was back in the store to buy some candy. The grocer asked the boy how his dog was doing.

“Oh, he died,” the boy said sadly.

The grocer, trying not to be an I-told-you-so, said he was sorry the dog died but added, “I tried to tell you not to use that detergent on your dog!”

“Well,” the boy replied, “I don’t think it was the detergent that killed him.”

“Oh? What was it then?”

“I think it was the spin cycle!”

Silly French Humor

Two cats have a swimming race aross the English Channel, one English, the other French.The English cat is called “One two three”, the French cat is called “Un deux trois”.Which cat wins…?The English cat.Why…?Because Un deux trois cat sank´┐Ż

My Stocks Are Up

A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found a taker. “I think this one will really move,” said the broker, “and it’s only $1 a share.”

“Buy me 1000 shares.” said the client.

The next day the stock was at $2. The client called the broker and said, “You were right, give me 5000 more shares.”

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $4.

The client ran to the phone and called the broker, “Get me 10,000 more shares said the client.”

“Great!” said the broker.

The next day the client looked in the paper and the stock was at $9.

Seeing what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client ran to the phone and told the broker, “Sell all my shares!”

The broker said, “To whom? You were the only one buying that stock!”

Travel with a horse

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch. The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. “Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”