Pasteurised?

A milkman was making his deliveries and found a note attached to a customers door saying “I need 45 gallons of milk.”He knocked on the door and a beautiful blond answered it.”Is this a mistake?”the milkman asked.”No,” she said, “I was watching a talk show and it said that bathing in milk is good for your skin.””Really?”replied the milkman.”Do you want it pasteurised?””No, up to my tits would be fine,” she said

Estaba un borracho afuera de

Estaba un borracho afuera de su casa y le grita a su mujer:

“Vieja, �breme la puerta.”

Y su mujer le responde: “No porque vienes borracho, all� te vas a quedar afuera.”

Entonces en tono molesto le dice:

“Abre la puerta o la tumbo a patadas.”

Y la respuesta de la mujer fue la misma, hasta que le dice en tono dulce pero morboso:

“Viejita, si abres la muerta te voy a agarrar como a las lagartijas.”

Entoces la mujer a bre la puerta y la pregunta:

“�Como las lagartijas, y c�mo es eso?”

Y le dice el borrach�n:

“�A PEDRADAS!”

The 12 marriages!

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom, “Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.”

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, ‘It’s gonna be great!’

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn’t get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can’t, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn’t quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn’t sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, ‘I know I have the product. I’m just not sure how to position it.’

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was — God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I’m going to get screwed!

Clean Your Mouse

How to clean your mouse…

This memo is from an unnamed computer company. It went to all field engineers about a computer peripheral problem. The author of this memo was quite serious. The engineers rolled on the floor.

Mouse balls are now available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit) therefore, if a mouse fails to operate or should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls, should only be attempted by properly trained personnel. Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be larger and harder than foreign balls.

Ball removal procedures differ depending upon the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop off method. Domestic balls are replaced by using the twist-off method.

Mouse balls are not usually static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge.

Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately. It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction. Any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

In cider

A little girl comes running into the house bawling her eyes out and cradling her hand: “Mummy quick! Get me a glass of cider!” She wailed.

“Why do you want a glass of cider?” asked her mother.

“I’ve cut my hand on a thorn , and I want the pain to go away!”

Confused and weary of the childs whinning, the mother obliged and poured her a glass of cider. The little girl immediately dunked her hand into it.

“Ouch! It still hurts! This cider doesn’t work!” she whined.

“What are you talking about?” asked her mother now getting a little frustrated with her daughter. “Whatever made you think that cider would ease the pain?”

“Well, I overheard my big sister say that whenever she gets a prick in her hand, she can’t wait to get it in cider.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Eedited by Curtis