Happy Butt

Once there was a girl. It was her first day in the 1st grade.
When she came in the teacher asked her what her name was. The
girl said Happy Butt. Well, the teacher was not very happy and
put the girl in time out. After her five minutes of time out the
teacher again asked her what her name really was. Again, the
girl answered “My name is Happy Butt.”. So she said in time out
again. Five minutes later the teacher came up to her and said
“If you don’t tell me your real name you will have to go to the
principal.”. The girl still replied with Happy Butt. So, she
went to the principal. She waited for the principal to come and
talk to her. The principal came in, and asked her what her name
was. She said “My name is Happy Butt.” The prinicipal said “If
you don’t tell me the truth I will call your Mom.” So the little
girl again responed “My name is Happy Butt.” So, the principal
called the girl’s mother. The prinicipal asked the girl’s mom
what her name really was. The mother answered “Her name is
Gladice”. So the principal said Thanks and hung up. Then, he
went to the little girl and said, “Your name is not Happy Butt,
it is Gladice.” So the little girl said “Glad Ass, Happy Butt,
what’s the difference?”

Name That Animal, Kids

A first-grade class is having a game of Name That Animal. The teacher held up
a picture of a cat. “What animal is this?” she asked.
“A cat!” said Eddie.

“Good job! Now, what is this animal?”

“A dog!” said Eddie.

“Good! Now what animal is this?” she asked, holding up a picture of a Deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, “It’s what
your mom calls your dad.”

“A horny bastard,” called out Eddie.

Top Ten Reasons for Being English

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup

2. Warm beer

3. You get to confuse yanks with the rules of cricket

4. You get to accept defeat graciously in major sporting events

5. Union jack underpants

6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer

7. Puts you in with a chance bedding Lady Di

8. Bathing once a week-whether you need to or not

9. Ditto changing underwear

10. Beats being Welsh, or Scottish

“Makeout Point”

One Friday night, a policeman saw a car parked up at “makeout point.” Shining his flashlight in the window, he saw a young man fidgeting in the front seat glancing at his watch and a young woman sitting in the back seat and reading a magazine.

“Excuse me, son” said the cop, “but how old are the two of you?”

“I’m eighteen, sir, and” (checking his watch another time) “in ten more minutes, she’ll be eighteen too!”

The Sapling

There was this sapling that didn’t know what kind of tree he was. He was growing up between a birch tree and a beech tree and thought they might be able to tell him what kind of tree he was.

First he asks Mr. Birch Tree and says..”Mr. Birch, Mr. Birch, I gotta know…am I a son of a beech or a son of a birch?”

Mr. Birch replies, “Well, i don’t know, you could be a son of a beech, you could be a son of a birch, why don’t you go ask Mr. Beech?”

So the sapling goes “Mr. Beech, Mr. Beech, i gotta know, am I a son of a Beech or a son of a birch?”

And Mr. Beech says, “well, I dont know, but I do know someone that will be able to tell you, I’ll call him up and he’ll tell you what you are.”

So, Mr. Beech calls good ole Mr Woodpecker and explains the situation to him. Mr Woodpecker explains to the sapling that he must take a nibble of his bark to be able to tell him what he is and the sapling agrees.

Well, the woodpecks takes a nibble and exclaims “My…you’re neither a son of a beech or a son of a birch but the finest piece of ash I’ve ever put my pecker in!”

Adam & Eve

After a few days on the new Earth, the Lord called to Adam and said, ”It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her.” Adam answered, ”Yes, Lord, but what is a ‘kiss’?” The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who took Eve by the hand and took her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, ”Thank you Lord, that was enjoyable.” And the Lord replied, ”Yes Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now, I’d like you to caress Eve.” And Adam said, ”What is a ‘caress’?” So, the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, ”Lord, that was even better than the kiss.” And the Lord said, ”You’ve done well Adam. And now, I want you to make love to Eve.” And Adam asked, ”What is ‘make love’, Lord?” So, the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he re-appeared in two seconds. And Adam said, ”Lord, what is a ‘headache’?”