Three Quick Bar Jokes

So a dyslexic walks into a bra . . .A cowboy walks into a bar, dressed entirely in paper. Wasn’t long before he was arrested for rustling. A guy walks out of a bar on the moon, complaining “The drinks were OK but there is no atmosphere.”

Kind Eye?

A man is convicted of murdering a woman. The man then goes to a
lawyer and asks how much it would be to support his case. “Five
hundred dollars!” “Five Hundred dollars? I don’t have that much
money! Is there anyway you can lower the price?” “Well,” says
the lawyer, “I have one glass eye. Tell me which eye is the
glass one and I’ll support your case for free.” Immediately the
man says, “The left eye.” “Wow!” goes the lawyer, “How did you
know?” The man then replies, “It’s the one with the kind

IQ Test

1. How long did The Hundred Years’ War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From what animal do we get catgut?
4. In what month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is Camel’s hairbrush made from?
6. The Canary Islands in the Atlantic are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI’s first name?
8. What color is a Purple Finch?
9. Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
10. How long did the Thirty Years’ War last?

You think you’re so smart, don’t you?

Here are the answers:
1. 116 years, from 1337 to 1453.
2. Ecuador.
3. From sheep and horses.
4. November. The Russian calendar was 13 days behind ours.
5. Squirrel fur.
6. The Latin name was Insularia Canaria – Island of the Dogs.
7. Albert. In 1937 on the abdication of his brother King Edward VII, he respected the wish of Queen Victoria that no future king should ever be called Albert, the name of her husband.
8. Distinctively crimson.
9. New Zealand.
10. 30 years of course. 1618 to 1648.

Advice to northerner

Save all manner of bacon grease. You will be instructed on how to use it shortly. Just because you can drive on snow and ice does not mean Southerners can. Stay home the two days of the year it snows. If you do run your car into a ditch, don’t panic. Four men in the cab of a four-wheel pick-up with a 12-pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don’t try to help them. Just stay out of their way. This is what they live for. You can ask Southerners for directions, but unless you already know the positions of key hills, trees and rocks, you’re better off trying to find it yourself. Remember: Y’all is singular. All y’all is plural. All y’all’s is plural possessive. Get used to hearing, “You ain’t from around here, are you?” Don’t be worried that you don’t understand anyone. They don’t understand you, either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner’s vocabulary is the adjective “big ol”, as in “big ol truck”, or “big ol boy”.”Fixin'”, as in “I’m fixin’ to go to the store”, is 2nd. And “Y’all” is 3rd. As you are cursing the person driving 15 mph in a 55 mph zone directly in the middle of the road, remember: ALL Southern folks learned to drive on a John Deere, and this is the proper speed and lane position for that vehicle. If you hear a Southerner exclaim, “Hey, y’all, watch this!”, stay out of his way. These are likely the last words he will ever say, or worse still, that you will ever hear. Most Southerners do not use turn signals; they ignore those who do. In fact, if you see a signal blinking on a car with a Southern license plate, you may rest assured that it was already turned on when the car was purchased. If it can’t be fried in bacon grease, it ain’t worth cooking, let alone eating. The wardrobe you always brought out in September can wait until December. If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the most minuscule accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It does not matter if you need anything from the store. It is just something you’re supposed to do. Satellite dishes are very popular in the South. When you purchase one, it is positioned directly in front of the house. This is logical, bearing in mind that the dish cost considerably more than the house and should, therefore, be prominently displayed.

A few lil’ insults to remember.

You’re momma so fat, she be sellin’ shade!
You’re momma so ugly, she walked down the street and got arrested for indecent exposure!
You’re momma so old, her s*#t has wrinkles!
You’re momma so stupid, she gave birth to you and asked the doctor if you were hers!
You’re momma so poor, her idea of big spendin’ is buyin’ a gumball!

Must help the wife

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. “Boss,” he says, “we’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff.” “We’re short-handed, Smith” the boss replies. “I can’t give you the day off.” “Thanks, boss,” says Smith “I knew I could count on you!”

Tyson Excuses!

The top 10 reasons for Mike Tyson biting Evander Holyfield’s ear:

10. Got a little carried away after seeing “Face/Off”

9. Really wanted to win first prize on “America’s Funniest Home Videos”

8. Like this doesn’t happen every year in the Masters

7. Whenever Moe bites Curly’s ear, it’s hilarious!

6. Has to do this kind of thing to compensate for the fact that he talks like Melanie Griffith

5. I guess you’ve never heard of a little thing called “strategy”

4. Ears is tasty

3. It was self-defense — he wouldn’t stop punching me!

2. “Disqualified” sounds better than “got his ass kicked all over the ring”

1. He ran out of gum