a man walked into a bar and said, hey everyone, the drinks are on me, and your included too bartender. after the bartender and everyone else had a round of drinks, the bartender give him the bill. the man said, oh i don’t have any money today, I’ll have to pay you later. the bartender became very angry and threw the man out of the bar. about a month later, the same man walked into the bar and said, the drinks are on me everybody including you bartender. after everyone had their drink, the bartender give him the bill, again the man said, IM broke today bartender, I’ll have to pay you later. again the bartender became very angry and threw the man out of the bar. another month later, the same man walked into the bar and said, hey everybody, the drinks are on me. The bartender said, hey what about me? The man said forget it buddy, you get mean when you drink.
Q. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?
A. $3.99 a minute.
A young man was sitting in class when the professor asked him if he knew what the Roe vs. Wade decision was.
He sat quietly, pondering this profound question.
Finally, after giving it a lot of thought, he sighed and said, “I think this was the decision George Washington made prior to crossing the Delaware.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
1. “You get this one, next round is on me.”
(We won’t be here long enough to get another round.)
2. “I’ll get this one, next one is on you.”
(Happy hour is about to end…drafts are now a dollar, but by the next round they’ll be $4.50 a pop.)
3. “Hey, where is that friend of yours?”
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way to get your attractive friend into a compromising position.)
4. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (female)
5. “Can I get a glass of white zinfandel.” (male)
6. “Ever try a body shot?” (male to female)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get to lick you.)
7. “Ever try a body shot?” (female to male)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, imagine what I’ll do to you on the ride home?)
8. “I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (female)
(You are paying more attention to your friends than me.)
9. I don’t feel well, let’s go home.” (male)
10. “Who’s got the next round?”
(I haven’t bought a round in almost 3 years, but I am an expert at diverting attention.)
11. “Excuse Me.” (male to male)
(Get the hell out of the way.)
12. “Excuse Me.” (male to female)
(I am going to grope you now.) (Editor’s Note – one of my personal favorites)
13. “Excuse Me.” (female to male)
(Don’t even think about groping me, just get the hell out of the way.)
14. “Excuse Me.” (female to female)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway? You are not all that, missy, and don’t think for one minute that you are. Coming in here dressing like a ho… Get your eyes off of my man, or I’ll slap you, bitch, like the slut you are.)
15. “What do you have on tap?”
16. “Can I have a white Russian?” (male)
(I’m *really* gay.)
17. “Can I have a white Russian?” (female)
(I’m *really* easy.)
18. “That person looks really familiar.”
(Did I sleep with him/her?)
19. Can I just get a glass of water?” (female)
(I’m annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)
20. I don’t have my ID on me.” (female)
21. “I don’t have my ID on me.” (male)
(I don’t have a license since I got pulled over and blew a 0.4 after my last visit here)
A blonde will screw anyone, a bitch will screw anyone but you.
Doctor: You’re in good health. You’ll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you!
Two blondes were walking down the street when they saw a compact laying on
the sidewalk. One blonde picked it up and looked in the mirror inside and
said “Wow! This person looks familiar.”
The other blonde grabbed the compact and took a look and said “You dummy,
Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings white babies?Mother: Why, a stork, little Johnny.Little Johnny: Mom, what kind of bird brings black babies? Mother: A raven, dear.Little Johnny: Then what kind of bird brings no babies at all?Mother: A swallow!
One day a boy came home from school,and started his homework(hes in 2nd grade).”one plus one that son of a bitch is two,two plus two that son of a bitch is four”the boy said.The mother was worried,but stupidly se thought that it would go away………The next day the boy came home from school and said “1+1that son of a bitch is 2,2+2that son of a bitch is 4″.The mother went to the boys teacher the next day and said”Are you teaching my son 1+1that son of a bitch is 2?”and the teacher says “No.” “Im teaching him 1+1the sum of the which is 2……DUH!”
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar. He turned to the astonished patrons and said, ‘I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the alligator will close his mouth for one minute. He will then open his mouth and I’ll remove my genitals unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.’The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The alligator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The alligator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.’I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.’ A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar and a woman timidly spoke up.’I’ll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with a beer bottle.’