The perfect pickup line

A marine is sitting at the bar and a striking redhead sits down next to him. He gives her a cursory look, smiles and continues to nurse his beer. Five minutes later he glances at his watch and the redhead – wondering why she had not been hit upon – asked, “Are you waiting for your girlfriend!” “No,” he responded. “This is not merely a watch. It is a sensory pickup and I can tell things about other people, like …. well, the fact that you’re not wearing panties!” The redhead smiled and said, “Well, you had best get it fixed because I am wearing panties!” The marine looked at his watch and replied, “Hmmmm! It seems to be running about an hour fast!”

Help me…I’m hooked!

Is there a 12 step, support group, or such?
For those of us folks who chat on line too much?
If there was a group, I would like it just fine,
Except that it prob’bly would be here online!

Are there therapists here? I think I saw some.
Its got me, its got me, its power is AWESOME!
It’s my new computer, I’ve had it one week,
Now I look in the mirror and I see a real “geek.”

Or maybe a geekess, but I see the signs.
Please help me, please help me, please get me offline!
Or better, please Email a burger and fries,
‘Cause I’m staying ONLINE, at least ’til I die!

Una noche, antes de acostarse,

Una noche, antes de acostarse, le dice una vieja a su marido:

“Mi amor, hoy quiero que hagamos el amor en el piso”.

“��En el piso?! Pero, mi amor, �y esa fantas�a de donde te sali�?”

“Viejo, es que hoy quiero sentir algo duro”.

Serious Relationship

The other day, while I was seeing my shrink, he asked me what I looked for in a woman. Naturally I replied, “Big tits.”He said, “No, I meant for a serious relationship.”So I said, “Oh, seriously big tits.””No, no, no. I mean what do you look for in the one woman you want to spend the rest of your life with?” He looked at me kind of worried as I just sat there on his couch laughing until my gut hurt.”Spend the rest of my life with one woman? No woman’s tits are that big.”

Betcha $500.00!

A guy comes walking into a bar with a turtle in his hand.

The turtle’s one eye is black and blue, two of his legs are bandaged, and his whole shell is taped together with duct tape.

The bartender looks at the guy and asks:
“What’s wrong with your turtle?”

“Not a thing,” the man responds, this beat up turtle is faster than your dog!”
“Not a chance!”, replies the barkeep.

“Okay then, says the guy… you take your dog and let him stand at one end of the bar. Then go and stand at the other end of the room and call your dog. I’ll bet you $500 that before your dog reaches you, my turtle will be there.”

So the bartender, thinking it’s an easy $500, agrees.
The bartender goes to the other side of the bar, and on the count of three calls his dog.

Suddenly the guy picks up his turtle and throws it across the room, narrowly missing the bartender, and smashing into the wall and says –

“I WIN… Told you it’ll be there before your dog!”


A man woke up every morning and passed gas. After about eight or nine years of marriage, his wife finally said, if you fart any more, you’ll fart your guts out. Being a butcher, the wife decided to put pig scraps in his pants so he would wake up, and not do it anymore. She put the scraps in his pants that night. He woke up in the morning and went across the hall to the bathroom. Two long hours later, he came out and stated, honey, you were right about me farting my guts out BUT WITH THE GRACE OF THE DEAR LORD AND THESE TWO FINGERS. I GOT THEM BACK IN THERE.