15> Driving a ’77 Toyota was cool in 1977. Today? Not so cool.14> The senior prom: Powder blue tux, white patent leather shoes and Mom’s Pontiac. If only I’d had a date.13> Failing the GED a third time was still almost a decade away.12> Scamming beer from that idiot clerk at the convenience store — the one where you now work selling beer to all those young-looking 25-year-olds.11> It was still technically possible you were really a genius just goofing off.10> The thrill of mixing various chemicals to see what sort of reaction resulted. Oh, and chemistry class, too.9> A simple handjob gave you bragging rights for a month.8> Working at McDonald’s, smoking weed and dating 16-year-olds didn’t make me the social pariah it does today.7> Back then, your peers actually envied your break-dancing ability.6> Two words: hourly boners5> Slow-dancing to Stairway to Heaven at the prom and when that fast part of the song came on, you didn’t know whether to keep slow-dancing or separate and dance fast or do something in-between so eventually you just said screw it and ran out to the parking lot to puke up some peach Schnapps.4> Sexual abstinence was still a choice — not a sad, pathetic, soul-destroying reality.3> Watching through the hole in the locker-room wall as gorgeous cheerleaders soaped up each other’s nubile young bodies in the shower. (movie high schools only)2> Ms. LeTourneau. Good God, how I miss Ms. LeTourneau.1> The sensual sheen of the lunch lady’s forehead as a single tantalizing droplet of glistening sweat escaped from her hairnet and danced temptingly down her nose. [ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Airline employees’ entertaining little quips – all real:
‘Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.’
Pilot: ‘Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.’
And after landing: ‘Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’
As a plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a voice comes over the loudspeaker, ‘Whoa, big fella, whoa!’
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’
From an airline employee: ‘Welcome aboard Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more…
‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.
‘Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.’
Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, a flight attendant’s voice came over the intercom and said: ‘That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault… it was the asphalt!’
Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’
After another hard landing, the first officer was finding it difficult to look anyone in the eye as they exited the plane. Almost everyone had got off the plane when this little old lady walking with a cane asked him, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’
‘Why no ma’am,’ said the pilot, ‘what is it?’
The old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with. ‘Ladies and gentleman, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’
Three generations of prostitutes were on vacation and discussing their profession when the youngest mentioned how upset she was that she was only recieving $100 dollars to give a blow job. Her mother then told her of how about 25 yrs. earlier she herself had only been getting $50 dollars for a blow job. The grand mother, after hearing all of this pipes up and says, “I remember back during the Great Depression, we were just happy to get something warm in our stomach!”
Three words women hate to hear when having sex “Honey, I’m home!”
Hindsight shows you how a mistake looks from the rear.
Q: How many Alaskan men does it take to change a lightbulb?A: Oh, none … they just have one of their girlfriends do it. [bitter laugh]
Why does Monica Lewinsky have chubby cheeks?
She’s withholding evidence!
A doctor was in the car with her 4-year-old daughter. On the way
to preschool, the girl picked up her mother’s stethoscope, which
had been on the seat of the car. The mother thought, “Oh, how
sweet, she wants to be just like me!” Then the little girl spoke
into the instrument, saying, “Welcome to McDonald’s. Can I take
What goes in dry, comes out wet, and gives warm satisfaction?A tea bag.
Ther was 3 men
an English Man
an Irish Man
and a Scottish man
and they was all in the desert and they found a lamp
the geni said you can have 1 wish each before you die so
the Irish Man wished for a pint of Guiness
the scottish man wish for bag-pipes
and ther English wished for a car door
and undun the window and said better open a window its
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