Ways to confuse a roommate

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.115. Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, “Psst! Is it gone?”

President Gorbachev

Q: What do a blonde and President Gorbachev have in common?
A: They both got fucked by 10 men whilst on holiday.

Q2: What’s the difference between a blonde and President Gorbachev?
A: He knows who the ten men were.

Depressed in bar

A guy walks into a bar, looking all depressed. He goes to the bar and orders a drink. The bartender brings it to him and asks “Do you want to talk about something? You look kinda down in the dumps”. The guy says “Well, I’ve suspected that my wife has been cheating on me for months, so today I took the day off work to follow her. Well, when I came home, I caught her with my best friend!” “Wow, that must have been hard!” the bartender says “What exactly do you say to your friend in a situation like that?” The guy at the bar replies “Well, I looked him straight in the eye, and I yelled BAD DOG!”

Prison Bus Conversation

There men were on a bus to prison where they were allowed to
bring only one personal item. They were telling each other what
they brought.

The first man, being intellectually minded, said, “I wanted to
bring something that could actually have a variety of purposes.
It needed to be something that I could not be easily bored with.
So I had a hard choice to make, between a small radio, a tiny
television set, and a deck of cards. Knowing that electronic
devices would more than likely not be peritted personally to an
inmate, I decided upon the cards, so that I can play a number of
games: Gin, Rummy, Solitaire, Hearts,” and continued to name
more games.

The second man said, “I like painting, and I intend to be the
Grandmtoher Moses of this jail house. I am going to paint
anything that I can. So I brought my painting supplies.” The
third man, a blond, said with a grin, “I was thoughful enough to
bring a box of Tampons.”

Muffled, the other two men questioned his choice, “What in the
hell can you do with Tampons?”

The man grimaced happily, “Well, just look here on the box. You
can swim, horseback ride, even skate! I just can’t wait to see
how they work!”

The headlines

A pair of biologists is studying terns on a rock island just off the coast.
While walking on a distant part of the island, they are shot at by a group of
thugs operating a pot farm. This happens several times and the local law
enforcement refuses to investigate.
On their last day on the island they happen into a huge pile of harvested
grass that has been set out to dry. Quickly they decide to set it on fire to
pay the thugs back for shooting at them. The fire takes off and sends plumes of
smoke into the sky. As they are running for their boat, they notice that the
soaring birds are acting weird, spiraling out of control and crashing into the
trees.
The next day they read the headlines in the local paper:
Pot Farm Burns – No Tern Left Unstoned.

Wrong Way

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.

Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 280. Please be careful!”

“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”

Marines last request

News anchor Dan Rather, the Reverend Jesse Jackson, Today Show personality Katie Couric and an American Marine were hiking through the jungle one day when they were captured by cannibals.

They were tied up, led to the village and brought before the chief.

The chief said, “I am familiar with your western custom of granting the condemned a last wish. Before we kill and eat you, do you have any last requests?”

Dan Rather said, “Well, I’m a Texan; so I’d like one last bowlful of hot, spicy chili.”

The chief nodded to an underling, who left and returned with the chili. Rather ate it all and said, “Now I can die content.”

Jesse Jackson said, “You know, the thing in this life I am proudest of is my work on behalf of the poor and oppressed. So before I go, I want to sing “We Shall Overcome” one last time.”

The chief said, “Go right ahead, we’re listening.”

So Jackson sang the song, and then said, “Now I can die in peace.”

Katie Couric said, “I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”

The chief directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder, and Katie dictated some comments. She then said, “Now I can die happy.”

The chief turned and said, “And now, Mr. Marine, what is your final wish?”

“Kick me in the ass,” said the Marine.

“What?” said the chief. “Will you mock us in your last hour?”

“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the ass,” insisted the Marine.

So the chief shoved him into the open, and kicked him in the ass. The Marine went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9mm pistol from his waistband, and shot the chief dead.

In the resulting confusion, he leapt to his knapsack, pulled out his M4 carbine, and sprayed the cannibals with gunfire. In a flash, the cannibals were dead or fleeing for their lives.

As the Marine was untying the others, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them? Why did you ask them to kick you in the ass?”

“What!?” said the Marine, “And have all you liberal poopers call ME the aggressor!?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman

Tackle box

This guy came home from work and said to his wife, “I need a vacation. I’m too stressed out. I think I’ll go fishing for the weekend.”
“Okay,” she says. “I’ll pack for you.”

So she packs for him and he goes away for the weekend. When he comes back he says, “Wow, I feel a lot better now!”

“How did I pack?” the wife asks.

“You did fine, except you forgot my pajamas,” he replies.

“No I didn’t,” she says. “I didn’t have enough room in your bag so I put them in your tackle box!”