My young son asked me

My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried
under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told
him the truth–that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally–but I didn’t
want to upset him.

A young, ruthless executive died and went…

A young, ruthless executive died and went to hell. When he got there, he
saw one sign that said Capitalist Hell, and another that said Socialist Hell.
In front of the Socialist Hell was an incredibly long line, while there was
no-one in front of the Capitalist Hell. So the executive asked the guard,
“What do they do to you in Socialist Hell?”
“They boil you in oil, whip you, and then put you on the rack,” the
guard replied.
“And what do they do to you in Capitalist Hell?”
“The same exact thing,” the guard answered.
“Then why is everybody in line for Socialist Hell?”
“Because in Socialist Hell, they’re always out of oil, whips, and
racks!”

Little Johnny in School

A young female teacher was giving an assignment to her Grade 6 class one day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class.

She quickly turned and asked, “What’s so funny Pat?”

“Well teacher, I just saw one of your garters.”

“Get out of my classroom,” she yells, “I don’t want to see you for three days.”

The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten to title the assignment; she reaches to the very top of the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student.

She quickly turns and asks, “What’s so funny Billy?”

“Well miss, I just saw both of your garters.”

Again she yells, “Get out of my classroom!” This time the punishment is more severe, “I don’t want to see you for three weeks.”

Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little Johnny leaving the classroom.

“Where do you think you are going?” she asks.

“Well teacher, from what I just saw, my school days are over.”

Milking The Cows

A young man was staying on a farm with his uncle and aunt for the summer. One morning the aunt and uncle walked in the kitchen and the young man was drinking an extremely large glass of milk.The young man said “I took the liberty of milking your cow this morning!” He then continues and says ” it took me a while to get her started up. She must be old and stubbly.”The uncle says with a confused look ” Um son we don’t have a cow…We have a bull!”

The Top 12 Things Overheard in the Year 2999

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]

[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]

12> “Thank you for calling Epson. All operators are currently helping other customers. You have been on hold for approximately… one… thousand… years….”

11> “Senator Thurmond, your wife is on line 3.”

10> “Another Christmas like this, and Amazon.com just may turn a profit!”

9> “Chris White, you have been defrosted to stand judgement for the recently discovered document known as ‘The Rejected Hurricane Name List’.”

8> “I found it on the Galactinet — I think it’s a picture of how humans used to reproduce.”

7> “Hi, I’m Dick Clark, here to count you down into the new millennium!”

6> “I did *not* have cybersex with that netbot.”

5> “Okay, I’ll go over it one more time: It doesn’t really start until January 1, *3001* because…”

4> “Middle East peace talks have been put on hold once again…”

3> “25,000 zelgers, same as on Mars.”

2> “We at NASA cannot be discouraged by this recent failure, and we are fully confident that our next manned mission to Mars will be a complete success.”

1> “I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of Microsoft…”

Tasks for easy Cash

A man walks into bar, sits on a nearby stool and ganders at a large jug of money. Upon pondering, he asks the bartender, “How much money is in there?”

The bartender, with a gentle smile replied, “26,000,000..”

The man jumped up with his eyes about ready to emerge from their sockets. He asked, “So is it for the poor? Or is it lika a charity?”

The bartender shook his head.”No no no! That money is for the first person to complete three tasks.”

A little curious, the man said, “Is that so? Well, I’m sure I could get them done, so what are they?”

Grinning slightly, the bartender replied, “First task: You must chug down a 5 gallon bucket of beer. Second task: You must pull a rotten tooth from a wolf with rabies. Then for your final task, you must have sex with a 100 year old grandmother located upstairs.”

The man gulped a little, but replied, “Well, that still sounds like a deal!”

The man chugged down the 5 gallon bucket of beer. Woozy, he told the bartender to take him out to the wolf with rabies. “Leave me here! This could get rough,” the man said in a fluury of slurred words, as the bartender let him go and walked back in to tend to the custumers.

Minutes later he heard the wolf yelping and crying out. “Man, he must really have a thing with animals. He’s probably pulled that tooth right out.”

The bartender looked up in wonder as the man stumbled through the door and yelled in a drunken voice, “Now where’s that old lady with the rotten tooth?”