My Aunt

Joe says to Bill, “Want to see a picture of my Aunt?”
Bill said, “Sure.”
So Joe takes out a picture.

Bill says, “What are you talking about?
Thats not your aunt!
Thats a picture of a fish!”

Joe says, “Well sure it is… It’s my aunt Chovy!”

Beer and Ice Cream Diet

Beer and Ice Cream DietAs we all know, it takes 1 calorie to heat 1 gram of water 1 degree centigrade. Translated into meaningful terms, this means that if you eat a very cold dessert (generally consisting of water in large part), the natural processes which raise the consumed dessert to body temperature during the digestive cycle literally sucks the calories out of the only available source, your body fat.For example, a dessert served and eaten at near 0 degrees C (32.2 deg. F) will in a short time be raised to the normal body temperature of 37 degrees C (98.6 deg. F). For each gram of dessert eaten, that process takes approximately 37 calories as stated above. The average dessert portion is 6 oz, or 168 grams. Therefore, by operation of thermodynamic law, 6,216 calories (1 cal./gm/deg. X 37 deg. x 168 gms) are extracted from body fat as the dessert’s temperature is normalized.Allowing for the 1,200 latent calories in the dessert, the net calorie loss is approximately 5,000 calories.Obviously, the more cold dessert you eat,the better off you are and the faster you will lose weight, if that is your goal.This process works equally well when drinking very cold beer in frosted glasses. Each ounce of beer contains 16 latent calories, but extracts 1,036 calories (6, 216 cal. per 6 oz. portion) in the temperature normalizing process. Thus the net calorie loss per ounce of beer is 1,020 calories. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to calculate that 12,240 calories (12 oz. x 1,020 cal./oz.) are extracted from the body in the process of drinking a can of beer.Frozen desserts, e.g., ice cream, are even more beneficial, since it takes 83 cal./gm to melt them (i.e., raise them to 0 deg. C) and an additional 37 cal./gm to further raise them to body temperature. The results here are really remarkable, and it beats running hands down. Unfortunately, for those who eat pizza as an excuse to drink beer, pizza (loaded with latent calories and served above body temperature) induces an opposite effect. But, thankfully, as the astute reader should have already reasoned, the obvious solution is to drink a lot of beer with pizza and follow up immediately with large bowls of ice cream.We could all be thin if we were to adhere religiously to a pizza, beer, and ice cream diet.Happy eating!

Pigeon flying in sky

But baby pigeon said, “I can’t make it; I’ll get too tired.” His mother said, “Don’t worry; I’ll tie a piece of string to one of your legs and the other end to mine.” The baby started to cry.”What’s wrong?” said the mother.”I don’t want to be pigeon towed!”

Going Bananas

Start with a cage containing five apes.In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, an ape will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana. As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the apes with cold water.After a while, another ape makes an attempt with the same result – all the apes are sprayed with cold water. This continues through several more attempts. Pretty soon, when another ape tries to climb the stairs, the other apes all try to prevent it. Now, turn off the cold water. Remove one ape from the cage and replace it with a new one. The new ape sees the banana and wants to climb the stairs. To his horror, all of the other apes attack him. After another attempt and attack, he knows that if he tries to climb the stairs, he will be assaulted.Next, remove another of the original five apes and replace it with a new one. The newcomer goes to the stairs and is attacked. The previous newcomer takes part in the punishment with enthusiasm. Again, replace a third original ape with a new one. The new one makes it to the stairs and is attacked as well. Two of the four apes that beat him have no idea why they were not permitted to climb the stairs, or why they are participating in the beating of the newest ape.After replacing the fourth and fifth original apes, all the apes, which have been sprayed with cold water, have been replaced. Nevertheless, no ape ever again approaches the stairs. Why not?Because that’s the way they’ve always done it and that’s the way it’s always been around here.And that’s how company policy begins….

The boy

there was a boy he went to the shop and asked his mum for an action man his mum said “no you can have anything you want when you get home” so they went home the boy rushed upstairs to go the toilet his dad was in the bath he said to his dad “dad wats dat thing in the water” and his dad said thats my alien friend” so the boy said “can i play with him” the boys dad said “no” the boy said “mum said i can do anything i want so the boy got in the next day his dad woke up and said where am i wats happened?” the boy said “your alien friend spat at me so i bit his head off”