Valentine’s Cards Guaranteed to Work=======We’ve a date tonight, oh, Valentine! I hope I can stay calm! ‘Cause recently, I’ve only dated the lovely Mrs. Palm.=======Time to choose your Valentine! If I don’t seem up to snuff, another case of Ballantine and I’ll look good enough.=======All around the cobbler’s bench, I’ll chase you like a diesel. How can you tell when I’m ready for fun? Pop! goes my weasel!=======Candy, flowers, diamond rings: all things I can’t afford. I spent my cash on surgery to add inches to my sword!=======Let’s plan a trip to the falls of Niagra! Just me and you and my bottle of Viagra.=======Roses are red I like Spaghetti-O’s. Now what in the world rhymes with “fellatio?”=======You’ve been alone for two years now, and no one has been hittin’. So please be mine, Monica, and do me, like you did Clinton.=======I’d like to play a game with you — I’m thinking Naked Twister. I’ll bring the board and lots of wine. Could you please bring your sister?=======For you, I’ll fill up my boudoir with peace and joy and love. But please don’t ask if I would mind trying on a glove.=======My sugar-lumps, I love you so — you fill me with desire. I’ll still love you even though your hourly rate got higher.=======I promise to be good to you, and never treat you wrongly. (Besides, I’ll make you scream in bed — I’m hung quite like a donkey!)=======My skin is milk white, ’cause I’m online day and night, and my hair is rapidly going. But I’m post-IPO, and I’m rolling in dough — that should get your juices flowing.=======Roses are red, Politicians are sleazy. Will you be mine? (I hear that you’re easy.)=======R U 14F? Beep! You’ve got mail But if U R a Fed, Eeep! I’ll get jail :-(=======Roses are red, tulips are yellow. You read me your poems, I’ll show you Longfellow.=======We’re both white trash, bred by the dozen, and now it’s time, to do me, cousin.=======Your assests are delightful. Your beauty’s not debatable. But what I like about you best, is that you’re not inflatable.=======Your skin’s like satin to the touch. Your visage is divine. I long for your embrace so much. (This crap works every time!)=======My silk sheets are cool, My lava lamp’s hot, If you’ll give me ten minutes, I’ll take the wet spot.=======Roses are reddish, and painfully thorny. With your S&M fetish they’ll make you quite horny.=======Valentine, let’s play “Love Basketball” — getting sweaty will be our goal. And I’ll try not to double-dribble as I take it to the hole.=======I’m sure that wine and candles help, when it’s nice girls that you’re wooing. But here’s a tip: Gimme fifty bucks, and we’ll get right to screwing.=======Roses are useless, violets are banal. Let’s skip the head, and proceed to the anal.=======I’m a sensitive man, I cry! I have fun! But get me aroused and I block out the sun.=======I don’t care that you’re short. It’s cute that you’re stout. As long as you’re willing to bang my brains out.=======I’m filthy rich and have no heirs, and I’ve got heart disease. Eleven mil can ease your cares, so get down on your knees.=======Roses are red, violets are blue. 12 inches of throbbing, quivering manhood, is waiting over here for you.=======You can always spot me even in a crowd, but you’d limp, too, if you were this well-endowed.=======My darling, I hope on this Valentine’s Day, you’ll share with me the night that I’ve planned. I ask you to throw inhibitions away — this ain’t my *heart* that I hold in my hand.=======This man would never hurt his soul mate, would he? This man would never cheat on you, would he? This man would never leave your side, would he? Guess what this man is sportin’ for you? Woody!=======Roses are red Violets are wanky I’ve just come in my pants Please pass me a hanky
Yo mama has a short arm and can’t applaude.
A little girl asks her mum,
‘Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?’
‘No, because the dog is in heat.’
‘What’s that mean?’ asks the child.
‘Go ask your Father. I think he’s in the garage’.
The little girl goes to the garage and says.
‘Dad, can I take Susie for a walk around the block? I asked Mum but she said the dog was in heat and that I should ask you.’
‘Bring Susie over here.’ He takes a rag, soaks it with gasoline, and scrubs the dog’s rear with it and says, ‘OK, you can go now but keep Susie on the leash and only go onetime around the block.’
The little girl leaves and returns a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Dad says, ‘Where’s Susie”‘
The little girl says,
‘Susie ran out of gas about halfway down the block and there’s another dog pushing her home.’
You’re a redneck if…. You have to go outside to get something out of the
A 32-bit patch for a 16-bit GUI shell running on top of an 8-bit operating
system written for a 4-bit processor by a 2-bit company who cannot stand 1
bit of competition.
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I
may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
3. it�s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your
neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It’s not important unless you aren’t getting any.
5. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
6. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car
9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That
way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
10. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he
will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
12. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably
13. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
15. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
16. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad
17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it
back in your pocket.
18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it
holds the universe together.
20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
21. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
22. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our butt … then
things get worse.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Albee!Albee!Albee a monkey’s uncle!
Carlson was charged with stealing a Mercedes Benz, and after a long trial, the jury aquitted him. Later that day Carlson came back to the judge who had presided at the hearing.”Your honor,” he said, “I wanna get out a warrent for that dirty lawyer of mine.””Why ?” asked the judge. “He won your aquittal. What do you want to have him arrested for?””Well, your honor,” replied Carlson, “I didn’t have the money to pay his fee, so he went and took the car I stole.”
A new teacher is trying to make use of her Psychology courses. She starts her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks you’re stupid, stand up.”
After a few seconds, little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Johnny?”
“No, ma’am,” he says, “but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself.”
What do you call a Highlander with four sheep?