Llega Pepito del Campamento con

Llega Pepito del Campamento con dos bolsas de ropa sucia, a lo que su mam� le dice:

“�Pepito, me va a tomar todo un d�a lavar toda esa ropa!”

A lo que Pepito le contest�:

“�Mami, a mi me tomo una semana para ensuciarla!”

Wedding Vows

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.” He passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied. It is now the day of the wedding, and the bride and groom have moved to that part of the ceremony where the vows are exchanged. When it comes time for the groom’s vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says: “Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?” The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, “Yes.” The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.” The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, “She made me a much better offer.”

Aid’s or Alzheimer’s

A doctor called up a fellow and said, “Mr. Michaels I have some distressing news. As you know, your wife was in for some blood tests recently.”

The guy says, “Yes, that’s right. Is there anything wrong?”

“Well,” the doctor replies, “here’s the thing. There’s another women who came in for blood tests also and she has the exact same name as your wife.

Now, the problem is, I got the results of their tests and one of them has aids and the other has Alzheimer�s.”

“Oh, my God,” the man said, “what will I do, doc?”

“Well, I’ve been giving this some thought,” said the doctor, “and here’s what you do. Take her for a ride out in the country. When you get way out there, throw her out of the car and take off fast.

“Then what?” says the distraught man.

“Well…if she finds her way home, whatever you do, DON’T FUCK HER!”

St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates…

St. Mark has been guarding the Pearly gates for a long time, and it’s
well past time for St. Peter to relieve him, and St. Peter hasn’t come
by, so finally Jesus takes pity on him and takes over. While He’s there,
an old man comes up to the gates.

“Welcome to heaven” says Jesus, “tell me a bit about yourself.”

“Well,” says the old man, “when I was alive, I was a carpenter. I had a
son, and for a while he was a carpenter too, helping about the shop, but he
left home. Made quite a name for himself, for a while, but they killed him…”
Jesus stared searchingly at the old man.

“Father?” he asked.

The old man stared back. “Pinnochio?”

50 Years On

The wife approaches her husband wearing the exact same, sexy little negligee she wore on their wedding night. She looks at her husband and says, “Honey, do you remember this?”

He looks up at her and replies, “Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.”

“That’s right.” she replied. “And do you remember what you said to me that night?”

He nods and says, “Yes dear, I still remember.”

“Well, what was it?”

“Well honey, as I remember, I said, “Ohhhhhhh, Baby, I’m going to suck the life out of those big tits and screw your brains out!”

She giggles, “Yes, that was it. That was exactly what you said. Now it’s 50 years later and I’m in the same negligee I wore that night. What do you have to say tonight?”

He looks her up and down and says, “Mission accomplished.”

New Elements

1. Element Name: WOMANIUM
Symbol: WO
Atomic Weight: (Don’t even go there)

Physical Properties: Generally soft and round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze at any time. Melts when treated properly. Very Bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity with gold, silver, platinum and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

***************
2. Element Name: MANIUM

Symbol: XY
Atomic Weight: (180 +/- 50)

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature, but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to create electricity.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with any WO any chance it can get. Also tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with KD (Element: CHILDIUM) for prolonged periods of time. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None known. Possibly good methane source. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of WO, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

Submitted by BreeBrown
Edited by Tantilazing

Celebratetion

one day 20 men were in a pub celebrating “heres too 2 years”they
were saying,the waiter thougt it must of been somethink
important so she went over and gave them all a free drink after
she asked them what they were celebrating and one said”we have
just finished a puzzle and on the box it said 3-4 years but we
done it in two years!”