Airline A-Hole

During a busy Pre-Christmas day at Sydney airport, a crowded flight was
cancelled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced
travelers. Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped
his ticket down on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has
to be FIRST CLASS.”

The agent replied, “I’m sorry sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve
got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something
out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He SCREAMED, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, “Do you have ANY idea who I am?” Without hesitating, the
gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

“May I have your attention please?” she began, her voice bellowing throughout
the terminal. We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOWS WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to gate 17.” With the
folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the airline
agent, gritted his teeth and swore, “Screw you.”

Without flinching, she smiled and replied, “I’m sorry, sir, but you’ll have to
stand in line for that, too.”

Eatin Pizza

A man and his girlfriend were sitting in the backseat of his car, having some fun and things started to get hott and heavy. The man told the girl he wanted to finger her, but she said she was on her period and would be too embarrassed. It took some convincing, but finally she gave in. So he was goin at it when a policeman stuck his head through the open window and said “Whats going on in here?” The man quickly rubbed his finger around his lips and replied “Eatin Pizza!”

Motor Accident

A policeman arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car smashed into a tree. The cop rushes over to the vehicle and asks the driver, “Are you seriously hurt?” “How do I know?” the driver responds. “I’m not a lawyer!”

Captain’s Red Shirt

Long ago, when sailing ships ruled the waves, a captain and his crew were
in danger of being boarded by a pirate ship. As the crew became frantic,
the captain bellowed to his first mate, “Bring me my red shirt!” The first
mate quickly retrieved the captain’s red shirt, which the captain put on
and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some
casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two pirate vessels
sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but the captain, calm
as ever bellowed, “Bring me my red shirt!” And once again the battle was
on. However, the captain and his crew repelled both boarding parties,
though this time more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting
the day’s occurrences when an ensign looked to the captain and asked,
“Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?”

The captain, giving the ensign a look that only a captain can give,
exhorted, “If I am wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the
wound and thus, you men will continue to fight unafraid.”

The men sat in silence marveling at the courage of such a man. As dawn
came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were pirate ships,
10 of them, all with boarding parties on their way.

The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for his
usual command. The captain, calm as ever, bellowed, “Bring me my brown
pants!”

Winston Churchill

Winston Churchill was a quite a character. Here, for your
enjoyment, is a bit of a description of him:

(1) Seeing how rude Churchill was to his wife (and everyone
else), a lady once told him, “Winston, if I was your wife, I
would poison your tea.” Churchill replied, “And madame, if I was
your husband, I would drink it.” Ouch.

(2) At a dinner a party, a (different) lady thought Churchil had
had a bit too much to drink, and told him so: “Winston, you are
drunk.” Churchill’s answer: “And madame, you are ugly. The
difference is, in the morning, I will be sober.” Ouch Ouch.

(3 and final) The famous playwright George Bernard Shaw, once
wrote a letter to Churchill along these lines: “…I would be
delighted if you could attend the first performance of my new
play…You may bring a friend, if you have one.” Churchill was
not going to take that sitting down; his reply: “I apologize
that I cannot attend the first performance of your play, but I
will be happy to attend the second performance, if you have one.”

Perfect shape

Guy’s wife comes home from her physical checkup at the M.D.’s, and her hubby
says, “Well, how did it go?” She tells him, “The doctor says I’m in perfect
shape!” Husband says, “Oh, yeah? How about that big fat ass?” She says, “Oh, we
didn’t talk about you!”

3 guys die, a miss understanding

3 Guys wait in line to get into heave, as they await in front of
the Pearly Gates, St. Peter asks them all, “How did u die?”

The first man said,”Well, you see, i came home early from work
one day because I thought my wife might be cheating on me. So i
came home and saw her in bed naked, but there was no one there.
i looked in the closet, in the bathroom and the cellar. No one
there. i was about to give up when i saw ten little finger
hanging on the window. So i jumped on the ledge and i started
to stomp and punch his fingers. he finally let go,he bounced
down the road, through a bush and into the park,not a scratch on
him. Then i through my fridge and it fell on him and killed him.
i felt so bad that i killed myself afterwards.”

St.Peter, “ok you’re in”

The second guy said,” Well u see, i was cleaning the windows of
an apartment building and then the ropes of the platform broke
and i was hanging by a window ledge. Then out of no where this
guy jumps on the ledge and starts to stomp and punch and fingers
and i finally let go. i bounced down the road through a bush
and into the park, not a scratch on me. then, out of no where a
fridge lands on me and kills me.”

St. Peter said, “ok ur in”

The third guy says,” well u see, i was fooling around with a
married woman. she said she heard her husband come home, so i
hid in the fridge…….”

Doctor’s Appointment

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”

The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear, “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”

Redneck Defined

You’ve ever worn a tube top to a wedding.

The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is “What the hell are
you looking at, shiftier?”

You’re probably a redneck if you think a Volvo is part of a woman’s anatomy.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

You have to go outside to get something out of the fridge.

Someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt buckle.

You won’t stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can in the car.

You have a special baseball cap for formal occasions.