I’m thrilled

“I’m thrilled to be here in the bread basket of America because it gives me a
chance to remind our fellow citizens that we have an advantage here in America �
we can feed ourselves.” �George W. Bush, Stockton, Calif.

The elephant

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the Elephants decided to
challenge the Ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the
Elephants beating the Ants ten goals to nil, when the Ants gained possession.

The Ants’ star player was dribbling the ball towards the Elephants’ goal when
the Elephants’ left back came lumbering towards him. The elephant trod on the
little ant, killing him instantly.

The referee stopped the game. “What the hell do you think you’re doing? Do you
call that sportsmanship, killing another player?”

The elephant replied, “Well, I didn’t mean to kill him – I was just trying to
trip him up.”

Christmas Carols

A teacher in Atlanta asked her students to write the words to their favorite Christmas Carols.

She probably got fired for mentioning Christmas in school. Anyway here are some of the humorous lines she received:

Deck the Halls with Buddy Holly

We three kings of porridge and tar

On the first day of Christmas my tulip gave to me

Later on we’ll perspire, as we dream by the fire.

He’s makin a list, chicken and rice.

Noel. Noel, Barney’s the king of Israel.

With the jelly toast proclaim

Olive, the other reindeer. (All of the other reindeer)

Frosty the Snowman is a ferret elf, I say

Sleep in heavenly peas

In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is sparse and brown

You’ll go down in listerine

Oh, what fun it is to ride with one horse, soap and hay

O come, froggy faithful

Satisfy a women

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, stroke, console, purr, hug, cuddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate,
attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromatize, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, Anglicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don’t care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin’ in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle,
amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, and start again.

HOW TO SATISFY A MAN:

Show up naked with beer and food.

I Will Love You Always

We’ve had our good times,
we’ve had our bad.
Sometimes you’ve made me happy,
sometimes you made me mad.
I know you’ve got your failing,
you know I got mines.
Neither of us is perfect,
but it does no good to wine.
Sometimes you forget my birthday,
sometimes you’re not so cleaver.
But all of the people in this old world,
you’re the one I want to be with forever.

The Top 18 Things on Saddam Hussein’s To-Do List

18> Announce that I’m finally ready to comply with those pesky U.N. resolutions.

17> Inform minister of information that yes, the United States has indeed captured the Baghdad airport.

16> Add “2003 World Hide ‘n’ Seek Silver Medal Winner” to resume.

15> Find out if Hallmark makes a “Sorry I Tortured and Slaughtered the Nation!” card.

14> Call the Hell Hilton and book the Pol Pot suite.

13> Offer to dedicate my life to helping O.J. find the real killers if they let me free.

12> Start working on a shiv of mass destruction.

11> Trade all-nude version of Iraqi card deck for some smokes.

10> Stage food fight in cafeteria to distract guards, then walk out via front door.

9> Eat map showing location of my secret cache of victory-parade balloons.

8> Call Osama: Cancel “Trading Spaces” offer.

7> Aha, Mr. Rubik, your cursed cube may have beaten me these past six months — but now that I have ample time to focus on this task, the advantage is clearly mine!

6> Award Halliburton a no-bid contract to shave my beard.

5> Practice saying with a wacky accent: “Who sane! Who sane? Not me, baby!”

4> Create a statue of myself out of soap.

3> “Dear Forum: I never thought I’d be writing to you, but when the cover to my hiding place opened, I found myself staring into the most gorgeous blue eyes in camouflage I’ve ever seen….”

2> Luxuriate in the cleanliness and roominess of my new prison cell.

1> Ask Bush family if they want to go best two out of three.

[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]

A Pair of Shoes

This married couple was on holiday in Pakistan. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, “You, foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.” So the married couple walked in.

The Pakistani man said to them, “I have some special sandals I think you’d be interested in. They make you wild at sex like a great
desert camel.”

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what
the man had claimed, but her husband felt he really didn’t need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, “How could sandals make you into a sex freak?” The Pakistani man replied, “Just try them on.”

Well, the husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn’t seen in many years— raw sexual power. In a blink of an eye, the husband rushed the Pakistani man, threw him on a table and started tearing at the guy’s pants. All the time the Pakistani man was screaming,

“YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!”.