Funny Joke

*When a bunch of white guys run down a hallway, it’s called an
avalanche
*When a bunch of black guys run down a hallway, it’s called a
mudslide.
*When a bunch of mexicans run down a hallway it is called a
jailbreak.

Cyanide Watermelon

The was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was doing pretty well but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign. It says, �Warning, one of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide.� So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign which reads, �Now there are two.�

College Essay

This was actually an essay written by a college applicant
applying to colleges/universities. The author of this essay,
Hugh Gallagher, now attends NYU

ESSAY IN ORDER FOR THE ADMISSIONS STAFF OF OUR COLLEGE TO GET TO
KNOW YOU, THE APPLICANT, BETTER, WE ASK THAT YOU ANSWER THE
FOLLOWING QUESTION: ARE THERE ANY SIGNIFICANT EXPERIENCES YOU
HAVE HAD, OR ACCOMPLISHMENTS YOU HAVE REALIZED, THAT HAVE HELPED
TO DEFINE YOU AS A PERSON?

I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing
ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch
breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat
retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write
award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I
tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my
sensuous and godlike trombone playing.

I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed,
and I cook Thirty-Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an
expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.
Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once
single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin
from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I
was scouted by the Mets, I am the subject of numerous
documentaries. When I’m bored, I build large suspension bridges
in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after
school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge. I am an
abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie.
Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy
evening wear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I
receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and have won
the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a
traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft
floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany
circles.

Children trust me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving
objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby
Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to
refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact
location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed
several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when
I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I
successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had
seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I
balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid.
On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact
origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot
to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals
using only a mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning
clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving
competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I
have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I
have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet gone to college.

Can you believe this???

Making Condoms!

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth.

He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves…

“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves?”

She said, “No?”

“Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have this big building set up with a large tank of latex, and the workers are all picked according to hand size. Each individual walks up to the tank, dips their hands in, and then walk around for a bit while the latex sets up and dries right onto their hands! Then they peel off the gloves and throw them into the big ‘Finished Goods Crate’ and start the process all over again.”

And she didn’t laugh a bit!!! Five minutes later, during the procedure, he had to stop cleaning her teeth because she burst out laughing.

The old woman blushed and exclaimed, “I just suddenly thought about how they must make condoms.