C.I.A TEST

CIA Test

Three guys are applying for job with the CIA. They got all the way to the final test.

So the first guy walks into the directors office and sits down. The director reaches in his desk and pulls out a pistol. Lays it on his desk in front of the guy. Tells him, “This test is to test your loyalty. Take this gun and go up the stairs and go into the first room on your right. Your wife will be in there. Put a bullet in her head.” The guy looks at him and says,”no way.” So the director says, “You fail.”

The next guy comes in. The director tells him the same thing. Guy picks up the gun and head for the room. Comes back about 15 minutes later. Tells the director that he just couldn`t go through with it. The director says, “you fail.”

So now the third guy comes in, same scene. Guy heads up to the room. The director hears 3 shots, followed by a whole lot of ruckus (glass breaking, furniture getting smashed). Guy comes back in all beat up and his clothes tore up. The director goes, “What happened to you?” Guy replies, “After three shots I realized that there were blanks in the gun so I had to choke her to death.”

Not horny, but have

Dick and Sally had been married for 40 years, and Sally was getting frustrated because Dick was not interested in sex much anymore.Sally’s neighbour suggested to Sally that she “spice” up her sex life by using new methods to turn on her husband. The neighbour suggested that Sally go out and buy a pair of crotchless panties, and wear them about the house as she was doing housework, and they would help her feel sexy.The neighbour told Sally that all she would have to do was flash Dick with her new panties while they were watching TV later that night, and he would be on her like a flash.After a few hours of wearing these new crotchless panties, Sally was feeling quite frisky and ready for some action. As they were watching the late night news, Sally winked at Dick, and flashed him a view of her new panties, and said “Honey, would you like some of this?”He takes one look, and says “Hell no….I ain’t touching that with a ten foot pole….LOOK WHAT IT DID TO YOUR UNDERWEAR !!”

SONY BONO JOKES

After big tragedies the net often swims with humor about the people and event involved. Some people think this is a healing process, others find it in bad taste. WARNING: DO NOT READ If think you might be offended by Sonny Bono death jokes.======================================================What do Cher and a 50 year old Redwood have in common?They both got nailed by Sonny Bono . .What’s the difference between Al Gore and Sonny Bono?One’s a tree-hugging stiff…and the other’s a tree-hugging stiff.That makes it…TREES ……… 2Celebrites …. 0Death by snow: Michael Kennedy, Sonny Bono, Chris FarleyWhat was the most surprising thing about the discovery of Sonny’s body?That he was recognized.Why did Sonny die in a ski accident?After being a mayor and a congressman, he wanted to be a Kennedy.Police reported it was a quick death. Just like his solo career.The Grim Reaper’s Boss: ‘I said, ‘the singer Ono,’ not Bono!Damn!, this is the second time you botched a job on her!’What preceded Sonny Bono’s senseless death?Sonny Bono’s senseless life.What was the last thing that went through Sonny Bono’s mind?The 60s.How was the body found?Sonny side up.What were they singing when they discovered the corpse?’When Sonny gets blue…’How do we know Sonny was a politician at heart?At the very end, he was stumping.How will the priest begin the eulogy?’We are gathered together on this slalom occasion….’We are all mortal. And in the end, Sonny was just ski and bones.What does the island of Elba and the Heavenly Ski Lodge have in common?BonopartsIf Cher had been skiing and hit a tree, she would’ve probablylived. It’s an even fight, wood vs. plastic.What did Michael Kennedy say when he met Sonny in the afterlife?What are you doing in this neck of the woods?A tree turns out to be Sonny’s greatest hit.Hoagy Carmichael: ‘Stardust.’Sonny Bono: ‘Sawdust.’What did Sonny say after he heard the news about Michael Kennedy?’I hope it doesn’t happen to me–knock on wood!’A duet sung by Michael Kennedy & Sonny Bono….’Pine Trees Hurt Babe!’When his widow sues the ski area… will her lawyer be ‘Pro-Bono’ ?Sonny didn’t see a tree…He thought it was Cher up ahead.It seems that the conservative Republican Congressman from Californiais, after all, a tree hugger!How is Sonny like a ‘Most Wanted’ poster?The County Sheriff is the only one authorized to peel them off a tree!What does Congress and U2 have in common?Each is now missing one Bono.Looks like Bono’s music carreer has picked up again…He’s the newest member of the Dead KennedysTitles for the Sonny Bono Tribute Album…I’ve Got Yew, Babe!Sonny Bono Headlines…Recent graduate of the Michael Kennedy ski school.When last seen he was ‘pining’ for another ‘sappy’ hit.Ski injuries this season: Several deaths…and at least one broken Bono.Who will be next? Remember, skiing deaths come in ‘trees’How was Sonny Bono’s skiing skills?Kind of wooden.Did you hear Sonny Bono died while skiing?He fell off the ‘Cher’ lift!Sung to the tune of ‘You’ve Got Me, Babe’…They say that tree won’t make a dent,But now that branch has got me heaven sent.You know what really pisses me,I’m imitating Michael Kennedy,Tree,You got me tree,You got me tree…Sonny Bono had four wives. The were sequential marriages, not all at thesame time; he divorced the first three. Why then was his funeral held in a Catholic Church?

Gator Bite

A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator
up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.

“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals
inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He’ll then open his
mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this
spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his
trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator
closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer
bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top its head. The gator opened his
mouth and the man removed his genitals, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered
and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made
another offer.

”I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” A hush fell over the
crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

“I’ll try,” said a small woman, ”but you have to promise not to hit me on
the head with the beer bottle.”

Old age golf game

How was your golf game, dear?” asked Jack’s wife Tracy.

“Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight’s gotten so bad I couldn’t see where the ball went.”

“But you’re seventy-five years old, Jack!” admonished his wife, “Why don’t you take my brother Scott along?”

“But he’s eighty-five and doesn’t even play golf anymore,” protested Jack.

“But he’s got perfect eyesight. He could watch your ball,” Tracy pointed out.

The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung, and the ball disappeared down the middle of the fairway.

“Do you see it?” asked Jack.

“Yup,” Scott answered.

“Well, where is it?” yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.

“I forgot.”

Celebrity Name Teases

Here are some possible married names:

If Yoko Ono married Sonny Bono, she’d be Yoko Ono Bono.

If Dolly Parton married Salvador Dali, she’d be Dolly Dali.

If Bo Derek married Don Ho, she’d be Bo Ho.

If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader, she’d be Ella Vader.

If Oprah Winfrey married Depak Chopra, she’d be Oprah Chopra.

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dogg, he’d be Cat Doggy Dogg.

If Olivia Newton-John married Wayne Newton, then divorced him to
marry Elton John, she’d be Olivia Newton-John Newton John.

If Sondra Locke married Elliott Ness, then divorced him to marry
Herman Munster, she’d become Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting, she’d be Bea Sting.

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she’d be Tuesday March 3.

If Liv Ullman married Judge Lance Ito, then divorced him and
married Jerry Mathers, she’d be Liv Ito Beaver.

If Snoop Doggy Dogg married Winnie the Pooh, he’d be Snoop Doggy
Dogg Pooh.

How about a baseball marriage? If Boog Powell married Felipe
Alou, he’d be Boog Alou.

If G. Gordon Liddy married Boutros-Boutros Ghali, then divorced
him to marry Kenny G., he’d be G. Ghali G.

Nog (Related to Quark on “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine”) has no
other name, so he uses it twice when getting a marriage license.
If he married Howard Hughes, and then Pamela Dare, he’d be Nog
Nog Hughes Dare.

If Jack Handy (SNL writer) married Andy Capp, then married Jack
Paar, then moved on to Stephen King, he’d be Jack Handy Capp
Paar King.

If Woody Allen married Natalie Wood, divorced her and married
Gregory Peck, divorced him and married Ben Hur, he’d be Woody
Wood Peck Hur.

If Ivana Trump married, in succession, Orson Bean (actor), King
Oscar (of Norway), Louis B. Mayer (of MGM), and Norbert Wiener
(mathematician), she would then be Ivana Bean Oscar Mayer Wiener.

Why is the word abbreviation

Why is the word abbreviation so long? How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say “Open here”.What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?

How Old Am I?

A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends
$5,000 and feels really great about the result.

On his way home he stops at a news stand and buys a paper.
Before leaving he says to the sales clerk, “I hope you don’t
mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?” “About 35,” was
the reply. “I’m actually 47,” the man says, feeling really happy.

After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order
taker the same question, to which the reply is, “Oh you look
about 29″. “I am actually 47!” This makes him feel really good.

While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same
question. She replies, “I am 85 years old and my eyesight is
going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a
mans age. If I put my hand down your pants for ten minutes I
will be able to tell your exact age.”

As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and
let her slip her hand down his pants.

Ten minutes later the old lady says, “OK, it’s done. You are 47.”

Stunned the man says, “That was brilliant! How did you do that?”

The old lady replies, “I was in line behind you at McDonalds.”