George W Bush Discount

Looking for savings this holiday season? When you’re out shopping, take
advantage of the George W. Bush discount. You will need unmitigated gall and
several accomplices. Here’s how it works.

Load up with all sorts of items that you want and take them to the checkout.
When the clerk gets to an item that will not scan on the first attempt say,
petulantly, “My brother says that all these items are mine.” The clerk will
insist on rescanning the item. Look bored and incredulous that anybody could be
so incompetent as the clerk tries unsuccessfully to scan the item. Turn to the
people in line behind you and say, “Can you believe this is taking so long?”

At this point, the clerk will attempt to enter the bar code information by
hand. Insist loudly that the item is yours and that since it didn’t scan after
two attempts, it must be free. Get so worked up that your face starts to break
out. The clerk will still attempt to enter the bar code. At this point, bring
forward your first accomplice who will introduce herself as the Secretary of Bar
Code Scanning and say to the clerk, “I’ll give you two seconds to enter that bar
code. Ready… Set… Times up!”

The clerk will probably call for the manager, and the two of them will insist
on manually entering the bar code into the cash register. Have dozens of your
accomplices run to the media talking about possible mistakes and mischief that
could arise from manually entering the bar code. Raise questions such as, “How
can I make sure the price is being entered fairly when the clerk works for the
owner?” Say, “These items have been scanned and rescanned. They just want to
keep entering bar codes until they get the total they want.”

At this point, the owner might try to take you to court to get some more time
to manually enter the bar code. He’s really playing right into your hands.

While he’s getting a time extension from the court, call the office of
Congressman Tom DELAY and ask him to send down a couple of henchmen to lead a
crowd of angry demonstrators into the store to shout and bang on the doors.

Simultaneously, file an appeal with the Supreme Court asking the highest court
in the land to bring a halt to all manual entry of bar codes.

In the midst of this confusion, have your first accomplice declare that all
the items are legally yours and that if the owner doesn’t like it, he can take
you to court. The owner will now have to drive to the state capital to file a
lawsuit in which he will ask the judge to manually enter the bar code of the
item that would not scan. Invite some celebrities over for a photo op and
announce that you’ll share the items with them once the items are found to be
rightfully yours.

Meanwhile in court, the owner will ask the judge to transfer the item from the
checkout line to the courtroom. Have your lawyer tell the judge that that is
simply not enough, that the judge needs to move the entire inventory from the
store lock, stock and barrel to his courtroom.

When the owner contemplates that this will tie up all his merchandise till
well after the holidays, he will surely give up. But just to be safe, have the
legislature pass a law giving the entire store to you.

Some people will tell you that you won’t enjoy the goodies you’ve thus
obtained because they are not really yours.

Bush on tour

On a tour US President George Bush visits a school and explains his political
actions. Afterwards he invites the children to ask him questions.

Little Bob rises to speak. Mr. President, I have got three questions to ask:
1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don’t you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?

Just in that moment the bell for the break rings and the children run out of
the classroom.
When they came back from the break President Bush encourages them again to ask
questions. This time Joey rises to speak. Mr. President, I have got five
questions to ask:

1. How did you win the election although you had less votes than Gore?
2. Why do you want to attack the Iraq without reason?
3. Don’t you think that the nuclear bomb on Hiroshima was the biggest
terrorist attack of all times?
4. Why did the bell ring 20 minutes earlier today?
5. Where is Little Bob?

Bush and Clinton and Bush

Bush and Gore, together again

Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the
other. Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with
none.
Gore screamed for a revote.

The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a
revote.

So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back
with 293 fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy
and asks whether Bush is cheating.

“Yes,” replied the spy, “he’s putting holes in the ice.”

Total control

A guy named Bob is traveling by Amtrak with two strangers sitting close to
him.

He is trying to sleep, but those guys were speaking loudly for a very
long time heavily criticizing George Bush, the war in Iraq, corruption,
unemployment, etc.

So Bob, in an attempt to force the guys to stop talking and let him sleep,
tells them as a joke, that there is a new total control system developed by the
FBI that spies upon all citizens, and there are lots of listening devices
everywhere, so that anyone criticizing the government would be severely
punished.

This didn�t have any effect on those guys; moreover they just laughed at Bob,
and carried on and on, saying even more rude jokes about George Bush and the
government.

Finally, close to 3:00 am, Bob goes to the restroom, and runs into the train
conductor.

Bob asks the conductor to bring him some water and sleeping pills at exactly
3:00 a.m.

He goes back to his place and says loudly into the base of his seat, so that
talkative guys could hear him:

“If the FBI director can hear me: could you please bring me a glass of water
and some sleeping pills at 3:00 a.m., because there are some idiots here who are
speaking too loudly about some political issues and won�t let me sleep.”

The guys continue talking.

Exactly at 3:00 am, the door opens and the conductor comes out, and gives Bob
the water and some sleeping pills.

The guys are shocked and finally stop talking. Bob is happy and manages to
fall asleep…

When he wakes in the morning, the talkative guys are no where to be found.

Out of curiosity he asks the conductor about them, (also remembering that
there shouldn�t have been any stops at night).

The conductor replies that some people in black suits stopped the train and
arrested those guys.

Bob is completely shocked and surprised and asks about why he was not
arrested.

The conductor answers that he doesn�t have a clue but one of the guys in black
suits said that the director of the FBI liked Bob�s joke about the water and
pills…

Top 10 Bush Campaign Slogans

Editor’s note: Actually a list from the 2000 election, but what the hey…

1. I’ll turn capital punishment into a new game show!

2. I promise to get cocaine off our streets: 1 kilo at a time.

3. I’ll finish what Bill started — the interns.

4. Like father, like son. You liked my dad, right?

5. Vote for the GOP, Not OPP.

6. I promise no sex scandal: just look at me.

7. New penal plan: I won’t use mine!

8. Read my lips: Al Gore Sucks.

9. George W. Bush: No hang-ups. Just hangovers

10. Vote for Bush and against Common Sense.