Nintendo humor

What are Mario’s biggest professions?1) Drug Dealing-He specializes in magic mushrooms2) Pimping women-You gotta think that with Princess Toadstool, Princess Peach, Princess Daisy, and Pauline, he’s gotta make a lot of money!

Friday afternoon

Its friday afternoon and a class of grade twos are waiting to go home,the teacher stands up and “says” anyone who can answer this question can take monday off,she asks how many buckets of sand in the Arizona desert. The kids are stuned,the teacher says alright,no one can answer the question, no one can have a long weekend. The following friday the teacher asks how many buckets of water in the Atlantic Ocean, and once again no could answer it. The next thursday after school one of the students from that class went home and grabed two golf balls from his garage,painted them black let them dry and took them to school the next day. Its five minutes to three and this kid knows that the teacher is going to ask a dumb question so he stands up and throws the golf balls at the black board and sits down really fast,The teacher stands up and says,whos the comedian with the two black balls, the kid stand up and says “Bill Cosby” see you all on Tuesday.

Jennifer Lopez

A passenger plane traveling to California is suddenly hit
with a severe engine problem and plummets into the Pacific
Ocean. The impact is such that the plane is ripped apart
leaving only one man alive. After hours of swimming he spies
an island and drags himself up onto the sandy shores. Though
he is half drowned and aware that he is thousands of miles
from home he cannot but admire the beauty of the island he
has found himself on.

Looking down the beach he sees a figure lying on the beach,
another survivor from the crash. He runs over and sees that
she is not breathing so quickly he gives her the kiss of life.
After several attempts she coughs into life. As she wipes
the hair from her face he now can see who it is.

It’s Jennifer Lopez.

Forever grateful to him for saving her life they strike up
an immediate bond, and over the following weeks while stranded
on the island, they fall madly in love.

One day Jennifer is walking down the beach and notices her
new found love sitting on the rocks by the beach staring
out to sea with a look of sorrow on his face.

Feeling there’s something wrong, she wanders over to him
and asks what is wrong.

“Jennifer. The last few weeks have been the greatest of my
life. We’ve found this island paradise. We have all the food
and water we could require and I have you, but still I can’t
help feel there’s something missing.”

Jennifer replies, “What my darling? What is it that you need.
I’ll do anything.”

“Well there is one thing. Would you mind putting on my shirt?”

“OK.”

“And my trousers?”

“OK.”

At this point he gets up and grabs some charcoal from the
ground, and draws a neat moustache on her lips.

“OK…. Can you start to walk around the island and I’ll set
off the other way and meet you half way.”

“OK dear, whatever will make you happy.”

So off they set. After half an hour walking he eventually
sees her heading towards him along the beach, at which point
he breaks into a sprint, running up to her and grabbing her
by the shoulders he shouts, “Mate, you won’t believe who I’m
shagging!”

Home Alone

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A really filthy version of ‘Twas the night before Christmas

‘Twas the night before Christmas, and God it was neatThe kids were both gone, and my wife was in heatThe doors were all bolted, and the phone off the hookIt was time for some nooky, by hook or by crook.Momma in her teddy, and I in the nudeHad just hit the bedroom and reached for the lubeWhen out on the lawn there arose such a cry,That I lost my boner and poor momma went dry.Up to the window I sprang like an elf,Tore back the shade while she played with herself.The moon on the crest of the snowman we’d built,Showed a broom up his ass, clean up to the hilt.When what to my wondering eyes should appear,But a rusty old sleigh and eight mangy reindeer.With a fat little driver, half out of his sled,A sock in his ear, and a bra on his head.Sure as I’m speaking, he was as high as a kite.And he yelled to his team, but it didn’t sound right.Whoa Shithead, whoa Asshole, whoa Stupid, whoa Putz,Either slow down this rig or I’ll cut off your nuts.Look out for the lamp post, and don’t hit the tree,Quit shaking the sleigh, ’cause I gotta go pee.They cleared the old lamp post, the tree got a rub,Just as Santa leaned out and threw up on my shrub.And then from the roof we heard such a clatter,As each little reindeer now emptied his bladder.I was donning my jacket to cover my ass,When down the chimney Santa came with a crash.His suit was all smelly with perfume galore,He looked like a bum and he smelled like a whore.”That was some brothel,” he said with a smile,”The reindeer are pooped, and I’ll just stay here awhile.He walked to the kitchen, himself poured a drink,Then whipped out his pecker and pissed in the sink.I started to laugh, my wife smiled with glee,The old boy was hung nearly down to his knee.Back in the den, Santa reached in his sack,But his toys were all gone, and some new things werepacked.The first thing he found was a pair of false tits,The next was a handgun with a penis that spits.A box filled with condoms was Santa’s next find,And a six pair of panties, the edible kind.A bra without nipples, a penis extension,And several other things that I shouldn’t even mention.A cock ring, a G-string, and all types of oil,A dildo so long, it lay in a coil.”This stuff ain’t for kids, Mrs. Santa will shit,So I’ll leave ‘em here, and then I’ll just split.”He filled every stocking and then took his leave,With one tiny butt plug tucked under his sleeve.He sprang to his sleigh, but his feet were like lead,Thus he fell on his ass and broke wind instead.In time he was seated, took the reins of his hitch,Saying, “Take me home Rudolph, this night’s been a bitch!”The sleigh was near gone when we heard Santa shout,”The best thing about sex is that it never wears out!”

Santa and the outside toilet

The night before Christmas, a family went to sleep when they were startled awake by an explosion. They went outside and saw the outside toilet in a million pieces – with Santa in the rubble.He was shaking his fist at a sleigh encircling him in the air while he shouted, “You idiots! I said the SCHMIDT house!!”

Mother Teresa in Heaven

Mother Teresa went to Heaven and she was walking around – checking the place out. She walked up to St Peter and said ”Where would I go to make a complaint?”St Peter told her to go see Gabriel. She goes to Gabriel and asks ”Why does Princess Di have a bigger halo than me.Gabriel says, ”SHHHHH… That’s not a halo. That’s a steering wheel.

Movie’s of the 80’s

Guess the following movie quotes. All movies were released between the years 1980 and 1989. Comedies, dramas, action, etc. Some are quite simple, and others are more difficult. There are 37 items, followed by the answers at the bottom, so you may wish to save reading this for a less hectic portion of your day. 1) Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison? 2) We’re on a mission from God. 3) People on ‘ludes should not drive. 4) This house is clean. 5) Shall we play a game? 6) Terrific!! I’ve got a trig mid-term tomorrow, and I’m being chased by Guido the killer pimp. 7) Back off man, I’m a scientist. 8) That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else. 9) I know a little German. He’s sitting over there.10) Can I borrow your towel, my car just hit a water buffalo.11) Excuse me, Dick, I mean Rich, will milk be provided for us?12) There are several quitessential moments in a man’s life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you.13) You don’t have time to think up there. If you think, you’re dead.14) Come on guys, by the time we get there the kid won’t be dead anymore.15) I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel with you.16) Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. 17) Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn’t we keep the PC on the QT? Cause of the leaks to the VC, he could end up MIA and then we’d all be put out in KP.18) Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues.19) I’m the ghost with the most, babe.20) I’m an excellent driver.21) A hundred million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with smaller feet than my sister. 22) Now if it was a collect call, that would have been daring.23) I believe in long, slow, deep soft wet kisses that last three days.24) Christmas is over, and business is business.25) Men and women can’t be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way.26) Do it for Johnny!!27) Here’s Johnny!!28) Phone Home.29) I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle. 30) Tell Victor that Ramon, the fella he met about a week ago – tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10. 31) What are you looking at? You’ve never seen a guy who slept with a fish before. 32) No such thing bad student. Only bad teacher.33) I wish I were big. 34) I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way. 35) I’m not crazy. I’ve just been in a very bad mood for the last 40 years. 36) Someone once wrote ”Hell is the impossibility of reason.” that’s what this place feels like. Hell.37) Never call a broad more than once a week. Never, ever, ever!!! **********************Answers*************************** 1) Joey, have you ever been in a Turkish prison? AIRPLANE 2) We’re on a mission from God. THE BLUES BROTHERS 3) People on ‘ludes should not drive. FAST TIMES AT RIDGEMONT HIGH 4) This house is clean. POLTERGEIST 5) Shall we play a game? WAR GAMES 6) Terrific!! I’ve got a trig mid-term tomorrow, and I’m being chased by Guido the killer pimp. RISKY BUSINESS 7) Back off man, I’m a scientist. GHOSTBUSTERS 8) That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else. SIXTEEN CANDLES 9) I know a little German. He’s sitting over there. TOP SECRET10) Can I borrow your towel, my car just hit a water buffalo. FLETCH11) Excuse me, Dick, I mean Rich, will milk be provided for us? BREAKFAST CLUB12) There are several quitessential moments in a man’s life: losing his virginity, getting married, becoming a father, and having the right girl smile at you. ST. ELMO’S FIRE13) You don’t have time to think up there. If you think, you’re dead. TOP GUN14) Come on guys, by the time we get there the kid won’t be dead anymore. STAND BY ME 15) I’m scared of what I saw, I’m scared of what I did, of who I am, and most of all I’m scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of my whole life the way I feel with you. DIRTY DANCING 16) Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. FERRIS BUELLERS DAY OFF17) Excuse me, sir. Seeing as how the VP is such a VIP, shouldn’t we keep the PC on the QT? Cause of the leaks to the VC, he could end up MIA and then we’d all be put out in KP. GOOD MORNING VIETNAM18) Nobody leaves this place without singing the blues. ADVENTURES IN BABYSITTING19) I’m the ghost with the most, babe. BEETLEJUICE20) I’m an excellent driver. RAINMAN21) A hundred million terrorists in the world and I gotta kill one with smaller feet than my sister. DIE HARD22) Now if it was a collect call, that would have been daring. DEAD POET’S SOCIETY23) I believe in long, slow, deep soft wet kisses that last three days. BULL DURHAM24) Christmas is over, and business is business. SCROOGED25) Men and women can’t be friends, because the sex part always gets in the way. WHEN HARRY MET SALLY 26) Do it for Johnny!! THE OUTSIDERS27) Here’s Johnny!! THE SHINING28) Phone Home. ET29) I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle. A CHRISTMAS STORY 30) Tell Victor that Ramon, the fella he met about a week ago – tell him that Ramon went to the clinic today, and I found out that I have, um, herpes simplex 10. BEVERLY HILLS COP31) What are you looking at? You’ve never seen a guy who slept with a fish before. SPLASH32) No such thing bad student. Only bad teacher. THE KARATE KID33) I wish I were big. BIG34) I’m not bad, I’m just drawn that way. WHO FRAMED ROGER RABBIT?35) I’m not crazy. I’ve just been in a very bad mood for the last 40 years. STEEL MAGNOLIAS36) Someone once wrote ”Hell is the impossibility of reason.” That’s what this place feels like. Hell. PLATOON37) Never call a broad more than once a week. Never, ever, ever!!! ABOUT LAST NIGHT

Super Heroes It’s funny

Superman walks over to Spiderman’s house and says hey Spidey You wanna Go out for some drinks but Spidey says Sorry I have to fix a web shooter to fight crime tommorow. So he flys over to the batcave and asks batman if he wants do go out for drinks but he says sorry I have to fix a turboburner for the Batmobile because I have to fight crime tommorow so Superman Walks backover to his place and on the way he sees wonder woman getting undressed in a hotel room and he really wants to fuck her so he flys through really fast. Meanwhile in the hotel room Wonder Woman says Wow what was that and then the invisible man says I have no Idea but my ass hurts.

The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss

The OJ trial as Told by Dr. Seuss I did not kill my lovely wife. I did not slash her with a knife. I did not bonk her on the head. I did not know that she was dead. I stayed at home that fateful night. I took a limo, then took a flight. The bag I had was just for me. My bag! My bag! Hey, leave it be! When I came home, I had a gash. My hand was cut from broken glass. I cut my hand on broken glass. A broken glass did cause that gash. My friend, he took me for a ride. All through LA, from side to side. From north to south, we took a ride. But from the cops we could not hide. My trial lasted for a year. A year! A year! Just sitting here! The DNA, the HEM, the HAW! The circus-hype the viewers saw! A year! A year! Just sitting here! Did you do this awful crime? Did you do this anytime? I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you take this person’s life? Did you do it with a knife? I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. Did you hit her from above. Did you drop this bloody glove? I did not hit her from above. I cannot even wear that glove. I did not do it with a knife. I did not, could not, kill my wife. I did not do this awful crime. I could not, would not, anytime. The glove you see it doesn’t fit The lawyer says you must acquit Acquit because the cops all lied Acquit, acquit the lawyer cried The jury came back verdict in hand and silence fell across the land Not guilty, not guilty they did decree Not guilty, not guilty, now set him free And now I’m free, I can return To my house for which I yearn. And to my family whom I love. Now would you please return my glove!!