New sayings for the Internet

1. Home is where you hang your @.2. The e-mail of the species is more deadly than the mail.3. A journey of a thousand sites begins with a single click.4. You can’t teach a new mouse old clicks.5. Great groups from little icons grow.6. Speak softly and carry a cellular phone.7. C: is the root of all directories.8. Don’t put all your hypes in one home page.9. Pentium wise; pen and paper foolish.10. The modem is the message.11. Too many clicks spoil the browse.12. The geek shall inherit the earth.13. A chat has nine lives.14. Don’t byte off more than you can view.15. Fax is stranger than fiction.16. What boots up must come down.17. Windows will never cease.18. Virtual reality is its own reward.19. Modulation in all things.20. A user and his leisure time are soon parted.21. There’s no place like home.com.22. Know what to expect before you connect.23. Oh, what a tangled website we weave when first we practice.24. Speed thrills.25. Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach him to use the Net and he won’t bother you for weeks.

If Dr. Suess wrote about Computer Users

Tech: “I think I know from where your problems stem. Would you, could you, RTFM?”

User: “I would not, could not, RTFM I want *YOU* to solve my problem.”

Tech: “Could you read the docs online? Would you read them any time?”

User: “I would not read the docs online, Without them I can do just fine.”

Tech: “Would you read a FAQ or HOWTO? Is this something you could do?”

User: “I could not read a FAQ or HOWTO. Even the thought makes me spew.”

Tech: “What could I suggest next? Would you read it in HyperText?”

User: “I would not read help in hypertext, For the problem with which I am vexed.”

Tech: “How about if you could read it through A conveniently placed system menu?”

User: “I will not access help from a menu. That stuff is a bunch of ballyhoo!”

Tech: “How much simpler could this be? Did you try the help hotkey?”

User: “I’ll try not a help hotkey, To that I will never agree! ”

User: “I would not, could not RTFM. I want *you* to solve my problem!”

Tech: “Since you will not RTFM, You I must now condemn”

Tech: “To a life without working software, And a constant feeling of despair.”

Tech: “You should read a book by Dr. Suess, Or maybe something by Mother Goose.”

Happy99 Virus

First of all, if you get an email with the program Happy99.exe in it, don’t open it –it sends itself to all entries in your email address book and mails itself out to them.But, perhaps we should consider the top reasons why you haven’t yet received it? 1) You have no friends2) Even mail handlers think you are too prudish for the contents3) You are receiving this by smoke signals4) You wrap your computer in latex, for protection5) Your computer is powered by a Z806) You’re still looking for the any keyHmm any other thoughts?

Tech Support (Classic)

“Hello. Tech Support; may I help you?”
“Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.”

“What sort of trouble?”
“Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.”

“Went away?”
“They disappeared.”

“Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?”
“Nothing.”

“Nothing?”
“It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.”

“Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?”
“How do I tell?”

[Uh-oh. Well, let’s give it a try anyway.]
“Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?”
“What’s a sea-prompt?”

[Uh-huh, thought so. Let’s try a different tack.]
“Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?”
“There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.”

[Ah–at least s/he knows what a cursor is. Sounds like a hardware problem. I wonder if s/he’s kicked out his/her monitor’s power plug?]

“Does your monitor have a power indicator?”
“What’s a monitor?”

“It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?”
“I don’t know.”

“Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?”
[sound of rustling and jostling] [muffled] “Yes, I think so.”

“Great! Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.”
[pause] “Yes, it is.”

[Hmm. Well, that’s interesting. I doubt s/he would have accidentally turned it off, and I don’t want to send him/her hunting for the power switch because I don’t know what kind of monitor s/he has and it’s bound to have more than one switch on it. Maybe the video cable is loose or something.] “When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?”

“No.”

“Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.”
[muffled] “Okay, here it is.”

“Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.”
[still muffled] “I can’t reach.”

“Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?”
[clear again] “No.”

“Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?”
“Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle–it’s because it’s dark.”

“Dark?”
“Yes–the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.”

“Well, turn on the office light then.”
“I can’t.”

“No? Why not?”
“Because there’s a power outage.”

“A power–!?!” …[AAAAAAARGH!]”A power outage? Aha! Okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?”
“Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.”

“Good! Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.”

“Really? Is it that bad?”
“Yes, I’m afraid it is.”

“Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?”

“Tell them you’re TOO STUPID TO OWN A COMPUTER!”

Can you relate to this!

Can any of you relate to these “addiction” quips? I sure can :)

The last time you looked at the clock it was 11:30pm, and in what seems like only a few seconds later, your little sister runs past you to catch her 7am school bus.

The remote to the T.V. is missing…and you don’t even care.
You begin to wonder how your ISP can call 400 hours per month “unlimited!”
You ask a plumber if he could replace the chair in front of your computer with a toilet.
The last girl you picked up was a 800×66 jpeg.
You never have to deal with busy signals when calling your ISP …because you never log off!
Your wife makes a new rule: “The computer cannot come to bed with us.”

You tell the kids they can’t use the computer because “Daddy’s got work to do” and you don’t even have a job.

You scan restroom stall for hot HTML addresses.

You have comandeered your teenager’s phone line for the net and even his friends know not to call on his line anymore.

You check your email. It says “no new messages.” So you check it again…and again…and again…

You suddenly realize there is not a sound in the house, and you have no clue where your children are.

Your dog has its own home page.

You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved and you don’t have a clue when it happened.

You refuse to go to a vacation spot with no electricity and no phone lines.
Your bookmark list takes 15 minutes to scroll from top to bottom.
You’re surprised to learn there’s also a 2 o’clock in the “afternoon”.
You unsuccessfully try to download pizza from www.dominos.com.
Your mouse-clicking forearm rivals Popeye’s.
Batteries in the TV remote now last for years.
Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like.

Dr. Seuss’s Guide to the Internet

Here’s an easy game to play.

Here’s an easy thing to say.

If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,

And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,

And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,

Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!

If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,

And the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,

And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,

Then your situation’s hopeless, and your system’s gonna crash!

You can’t say this? What a shame, sir!

We’ll find you Another game, sir.

If the label on the cable on the table at your house,

Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,

But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol

That’s repeatedly rejected by your printer down the hall,

And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of Gauss,

So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,

Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,

‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,

And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary RISC,

Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to RAM your ROM.

Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

New Year’s Resolutions

New Year’s Resolutions for Internet Junkies…

I will try to figure out why I *really* need 9 e-mail addresses.
I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).
I resolve to work with neglected children — my own.
I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.
I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.
I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily…well, once a week… okay, monthly then…or maybe…
I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard
to estimate since I’m not a clock watcher.
When I hear “Where do you want to go today?” I will not reply “MS Tech Support.”
When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, “LOL… LOL!”
I will read the manual… just as soon as I can find it.
I will think of a password other than “password.”
I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning… 4:30 is much more practical.
I resolve… I resolve to… I resolve to, uh… I resolve to, uh, get my, er…
I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!