Number Test

DON’T scroll down too fast-do it slowly and follow the
instructions below exactly, do the math in your head as
fast as you can. It may help to say the answers aloud quietly.

FOLLOW these instructions one at a time and as QUICKLY as you
can!

What is:

2+2?

4+4?

8+8?

16+16?

Quick! Pick a number between 12 and 5

Got it?

Now scroll down

The number you picked was 7, right?

What My Mom Taught Me

My Mother taught me LOGIC… “If you fall off that swing and
break your neck, you can’t go to the store with me.”

My Mother taught me MEDICINE… “If you don’t stop crossing your
eyes, they’re going to freeze that way.”

My Mother taught me TO THINK AHEAD… “If you don’t pass your
spelling test, you’ll never get a good job!”

My Mother taught me ESP… “Put your sweater on; don’t you think
that I know when you’re cold?”

My Mother taught me TO MEET A CHALLENGE… “What were you
thinking? Answer me when I talk to you…Don’t talk back to me!”

My Mother taught me HUMOR… “When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don’t come running to me.”

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT… “If you don’t eat
your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

My mother taught me about GENETICS… “You are just like your
father!”

My mother taught me about my ROOTS… “Do you think you were
born in a barn?”

My mother taught me about the WISDOM of AGE… “When you get to
be my age, you will understand.”

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION… “Just wait until your
father gets home.”

My mother taught me about RECEIVING… “You are going to get it
when we get home.”

and the all time favorite thing–JUSTICE “One day you will have
kids, and I hope they turn out just like YOU..then you’ll see
what it’s like.”

To All Students!

Memo to all students:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and
productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all
students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH
INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).

We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than anyone
else. If you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T.
on the course, please see your lecturer. You will be immediately
placed at the top of the S.H.I.T. list, and our lecturers are
especially skilled at seeing that you get all the S.H.I.T. you
can handle.

Students who don’t take their S.H.I.T. will be placed in
DEPARTMENTAL EDUCATIONAL EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T.).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T. seriously will have to
go to EDUCATIONAL ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T. S.H.I.T.). Since our
lecturers took S.H.I.T. before they graduated, they don’t have
to do S.H.I.T. anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T. already.

If you are full of S.H.I.T., you may be interested in a job
teaching others. We can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING
LECTURE LIST (B.U.L.L. S.H.I.T.).

For students who are intending to pursue a career in management
and consulting, we will refer you to the department of
MANAGERIAL OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.).
This course emphasizes how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T.

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T. S.H.I.T.).

Thank you, BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING
(B.I.G. S.H.I.T.)

PS. Now send this S.H.I.T. to 5 people who need S.H.I.T. in
their life, just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I.T.,
they have already had their fill of S.H.I.T. Thank You for your
time.

Sincerely,

The Director Under the Michigan Bureau of Super High Intensity
Teaching. (The D.U.M.B. S.H.I.T.)

Candybars

There was this boy who had this babe of a teacher. She was
hooked on candybars. The boy really wanted to see this chick
naked.

When she was about to go home, he said to her, can I go home
with you. “No,” the teacher replied. He then said, “I’ll give
you a candybar.” So she agreed.

When she was about to get into the shower, he asked her, “Can I
get in with you?” And again the teacher said no, and again the
boy said, “I’ll give you a candybar.” And she said yes.

Then when she was about to get into bed, he asked, “Can I sleep
with you?” Again the teacher refused, the boy again said, “I’ll
give you a candybar.” And again she said yes.

Well the boy asked if he could touch her belly button, she said,
no and he said, “I’ll give you a candybar.”

Suddenly the teacher said, “Hey that ain’t my belly button!” The
boy replied, “That ain’t my finger!”

University of Illinois Football Exam

University of Illinois Entrance exam

Football player version
Time limit: 3 weeks

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the Ancient Babylonian Empire with particular
reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions – or -
give the first name of Pierre Tudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespear to:
a. build a bridge b. sail the ocean c. lead an army
d. write a play

4. What religion is the Pope? a. Jewish
b. Catholic c. Hindu d. Polish e. Agnostic
(check only one)

5. Metric conversion – – how many feet are in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on
the 5?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (APPROX.)

8. What are the people in America’s far north called?
a.westerners b. southerners c. easterners d. northerners

9. Spell – Bush, Carter, and Clinton.

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being called
George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

11. Where does the rain come from?
a. Macy’s b. 7-11 c. Canada
d. The Sky

12. Can you explain Einstein’s Theory of Relativity?
a. yes b. no

13. What are coat hangers used for?

14. The Star Spangled Banner is the national anthem for what country?

15. Explain Le Chateliers principle of Dynamic equilibrium – or – spell
your name in block letters.

16. Where is the basement in a 3 story building located?

17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
a. New York b. FLORIDA c. Canada d. Wisconsin

18. Advanced math. If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?

19. What does NBC (national broadcasting co.) stand for?

20. The University of Illinois tradition for efficiency began when?
a. B.C. b. A.D. c. STILL WAITING

* YOU MUST ANSWER THREE(3) OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY

Teacher and Pupil

Pupil : Please Miss, would you punish someone for something they
didn’t do?
Teacher: No, Of course not!!
Pupil : Oh good, Because i haven’t done my homework!!!

********************
Teacher: You have your shoes on the wrong feet.
Pupil : They’re the only feet I have.

********************
Teacher: What can you tell me about the dead sea?
Pupil : I didn’t even know it was ill!!!

********************
Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word “INDISPOSITION” in it.
Pupil : I always play center in baseball because I like playing
“in dis position!”

********************
Teacher: I wish you’d pay a little attention
Pupil : I’m paying as little as i can, sir.

Singing University of Michigan Fight Song

An Ohio State University mortician student walked into the
embalming room where a cadaver was lying on the table. Confident
that he knew enough now to begin the procedure without his
instructor, he began to examine the body. When he rolled it
over, he was shocked to see a cork in the man’s butt. Mystified,
he pulled it out and immediately heard the University of
Michigan fight song come out of the guy’s butt.

Shaken by what had happened, he quickly shoved the cork back
into it’s original resting place. He then ran to get his
instructor, nervously shouting, “Sir, you must come, you won’t
believe what I discovered!!”

Annoyed by the interruption, the professor said, “Let’s take a
look at this astounding discovery.”

When they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to
see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed
the cork.

Upon hearing the University of Michigan fight song, he quickly
replaced the cork in the cadaver’s butt and said, “What’s so
surprising about that? I’ve heard thousands of assholes sing
that song!”

Purple Blurple

One day while Jonny was in class, his friend dared him to ask
what a purple blurple is. So Jonny raised his hand and the
teacher called on him, cuz everyone knows Jonny. Jonny asked,
“Whats a purple blurple?”

“Jonny! How dare you ask such a horrible question! I’m taking
you to the principal’s office!” The teacher screamed. So she
took Jonny to the principal’s office and threw him on the
waiting couch. When it was Jonny’s turn, the principal said,
“Come in Jonny, did your teacher have you come down to give me
some thing or tell me something?” Cuz everyone knows Jonny.
Jonny steeped in and said, “Well, all I did was ask the teacher
what a purple blurple is…” “Jonny! Take your things and
leave school, never come back!” the principal raged. So Jonny
left school and went home to his house. He knocked on the door
and his mother answered.

“Why hi Jonny, whats up? Why are you home early?”His mother
asked. “Well, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office and
the principal sent me home!”Jonny explained. “Why…did that
happen?”His mother asked. “Cuz all I did was ask what a purple
blurple is!”

“Jonny! Go up to your room and have your father deal with you
once he gets home!”She yelled. So Jonny went up to his room and
waited for three hours when he heard a knock. “Come in,” Jonny
said. Jonny’s father entered and said, “Jonny why is your
mother so upset?” Jonny replied, “Well, my teacher sent me up
to the principal’s office, who sent me home, then mom sent me up
to my room and that’s it!” “Why did all this happen?” Jonny’s
father asked. “Cuz I asked what a purple blurple is.”

“Jonny! Pack your bags! I want you out of this house in ten
minutes!!” His father screamed. So Jonny packed what was
important and that he could carry and walked out the door. He
was walking down the street when Bob the cab driver came. “Hi
Jonny!” Cuz everyone knows Jonny. “What’s with all the luggage?
Why don’t I give you a ride and you can explain.” So Jonny
Climbed into the cab and started, “My teacher sent me to the
principal’s office…the airport please…and the principal sent
me home and my mom sent me to my room and my dad threw me out of
the house!” “And why did that happen? What did you do?” Bob
asked. “All I did was ask what a purple blurple was.” he
explained.

“Jonny! Get out of this cab!” Bob yelled as he slammed onthe
breaks. Jonny got out of the cab and took his luggage. By this
time Jonny was only 100 feet away from the airport so he walked
the rest of the way. He had no money so he slid in a corner and
slept there.

A flight attendant found him in the morning, “Hi Jonny!” Cuz
everyone knows Jonny. “Why are you in a corner in the airport.”
“It’s a realy long story, I was kicked out of my house.” Jonny
summarised. “Ohhh, that’s horrible, how about we give you a
free trip to anywhere.” So, Jonny went on a jet to anywhere and
everywhere. The pilot greeted him, “Hi Jonny!” Cuz everyone
knows Jonny. “What brings you here?” Jonny explained all that
had happened. “Why?” Is all the pilot had to ask. “All I did
was ask what a purple blurple was!” The pilot got a parachute
on Jonny and threw him out the door. Jonny landed next to the
president of Amierica.

“Hi Jonny!” Cuz everyone knows Jonny. “What brings you to
Rome?” Jonny explained what happened.”…And then the pilot
threw me out the window!” “Well, that’s quite an interesting
story. Why did, ah, that happen?” the president asked. “Well,
all I asked was what a purple blurple is!”

“Jonny! What an inappropriate question! You need to go talk to
the Pope!!” So, the president takes Jonny over to the Pope.
“Hi Jonny!” Cuz everyone knows Jonny. “Tell me your story.”
Jonny explained everything to the Pope. “But, why, my son?” “I
asked what a purple Blurple is.”

“Jonny! I need you to go talk to my councelor, he overheard
everything, just go talk with him.” So, Jonny stepped over to
the councelor. “Hi Jonny!” Cuz everyone knows Jonny. “I know
your story, let’s cross the street and get some ice cream and
talk this over.” So the councelor walked across the street and
motioned Jonny to do so. Jony was hit by a car.

What’s the Moral of this story?(scroll down)

Answer:Look both ways before crossing the street!

Lil’ Johnny vs. Bus Driver

One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting
right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, “If my
daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby
lion.” He kept on talking to himself like this.

After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and
said, “What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your
mommy was a whore?” Little Johnny replied, “Then I would be a
bus driver.”

20 Fun Things To Do During a Graduation Ceremony

1. Put Salsa dip in your mortarboard. Pass it around for a snack.
2. Spread rubber cement on every seat except yours. Watch the
fun as everyone tries to leave.
3. Replace all diplomas with acheivement certificates from “Bed
Wetters Anonymous.”
4. Bring a whoopie cushion and stink bombs. Be creative with
this one.
5. Also bring an aresol can and a lighter!
6. Start a wave.
7. Publicly tar and feather someone.
8. Hide somewhere. At a set time, ambush everyone with water
balloons.
9. When you recieve your diploma, act as though you have won an
academy award. Say “You like me. You really like me. Thank
all the little people who made this possible.”
10. Streak.
11. Come with a cold. Blow your nose in someone else’s diploma.
12. Bring your pet skunk. Ask if people want to pet him.
13. After you recieve your diploma, stage dive.
14. See just how many farm animal sounds you can make.
15. Claim you have pictures of the validictorian naked with a
cow. See what happens.
16. Eat garlic and onions for breakfast that day. Engage in
conversation with as many people as possible.
17. Ask the person next to you if he/she would move because that
seat is reserved for your imaginary friend.
18. Bring baby pictures of the principal.
19. Try to bribe the valedictorian into stripping.
20. When all else fails, you can never go wrong with an airhorn!!