Graphics blind the eyes

Graphics blind the eyes.
Audio files deafen the ear.
Mouse clicks numb the fingers.
Heuristics weaken the mind.
Options wither the heart.

The Guru observes the net
but trusts his inner vision.
He allows things to come and go.
His heart is as open as the ether.

Economics ruins life

Economics is ruining your life when…

- I tried to calculate my 3 year old son’s discount rate by seeing how many
sweets he would require to be promised to him after dinner to be equivalent to
one sweet before dinner

- I spent one hour in a toy shop making up over 20 bundles of toys that could
be purchased for $25 and then asked my son to select one of these bundles.

Girlfriend

Last year, my friend upgraded his GirlFriend 3.1 to GirlFriendPlus1.0
(marketing name: Fiancee1.0).

Recently he upgraded Fiancee1.0 to Wife1.0 and it’s a memory hogger, has taken
all his space; and Wife1.0 must be running before he can do anything. Although
he didn’t ask for them, Wife1.0 came with Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw and
BrotherInLaw.

Some features I’d like to see in the upcoming GirlFriend4.0.
– A “Don’t remind me again” button
– Minimize button
– Shutdown feature – An install shield feature so that Girlfriend4.0 can be
completely uninstalled if so desired (so you don’t lose cache and other objects)

I tried running Girlfriend 2.0 with Girlfriend 1.0 still installed, they
tried using the same I/O port and conflicted. Then I tried to uninstall
Girlfriend 1.0 but it didn’t have
an uninstall program. I tried to uninstall it by hand, but it put files in my
system directory.

Another thing that sucks — in all versions of Girlfriend that I’ve used is
that it is totally “object orientated” and only supports hardware with gold
plated contacts.

Accountant in Heaven

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is
amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says, “I’m sorry I
wasn’t here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a
remarkable man as yourself.”

The accountant is perplexed. “I’ve tried to lead a good life, but I am
overwhelmed by your welcome,” he tells St. Peter.

“It’s the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living
to the age of 123 and still looking so young,” says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies, “123 years old? I don’t know
what you mean. I’m only 40.”

St. Peter replies, “But that can’t be right – we’ve seen your time sheets!”

Big Bang

Q: Will there be another Universe after the Big Bang?
A: A lot of people are drawing things on the white board, but doubt that it
will ever be implemented.

Signs your spouse is having an affair with a compu

1. Lately she sits at the computer naked.
2. After signing off, she always has a cigarette.
3. The giant rubber inflatable disk drive.
4. In the morning, the computer screen is all fogged up.
5. She’s gotten amazingly good at typing one handed.
6. She makes sarcastic remakrs about your “software”.
7. Lipstick on the mouse.
8. During sex she screams “A-colon backslash enter insert!”
9. The jam in the laser printer is a pair of panties.
10.The fax file is filled with pictures of some guy’s behind

I have a big problem

Bill and Boris are taking a break from a long summit. Boris says to Bill,
“Bill, you know, I have a big problem. I don’t know what to do about it. I have
a hundred bodyguards and one of them is a traitor. I don’t know which one.”

“Not a big deal Boris, I’m stuck with a hundred economists I have to listen to
all the time before any policy decision, and only one tells the truth but it’s
never the same one.”

Real flight announcements

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the “in-flight safety
lecture” and their other announcements a bit more entertaining. Here are some
real examples that have been heard or reported:

“There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of
this airplane…”

Pilot – “Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to
switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please
stay inside the plane till we land … it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk
on the wings it affects the flight pattern.”

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you
enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone
voice comes over the loudspeaker: “Whoa, big fella. WHOA!”

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight
attendant on a Northwest flight announced: “Please take care when opening the
overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as Hell
everything has shifted.”

From a Southwest Airlines employee…. “Welcome aboard Southwest Flight XXX to
YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and pull
tight. It works just like every other seatbelt, and if you don’t know how to
operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event
of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you have a small
child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you
are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more.

Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they’ll
try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves
you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines.”

“As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants.
Please do not leave children or spouses.”

“Last one off the plane must clean it.”

And from the pilot during his welcome message: “We are pleased to have some of
the best flight attendants in the industry …Unfortunately none of them are on
this flight…!

Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City:
The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, “That was quite a bump and I
know what ya’ll are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s
fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’
fault…..it was the asphalt!”

Another flight Attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: “We ask you
to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.”

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant came on
with, “Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and
the Crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate.
And, once the tire smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll
open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.

Part of a Flight Attendant’s arrival announcement: “We’d like to thank you
folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go
blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you’ll think of
us here at US Airways.”

An engineer and a programmer

A programmer and an engineer are sitting next to each other on a long flight
from Los Angeles to New York.

The programmer leans over to the engineer and asks if he would like to play a
fun game.

The engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over
to the window to catch a few winks.

The programmer persists and explains that the game is real easy and is a lot
of fun. He explains “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know the answer, you
pay me $5. Then you ask me a question, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay
you $5.”

Again, the engineer politely declines and tries to get to sleep.

The programmer, now somewhat agitated, says, “OK, if you don’t know the answer
you pay me $5, and if I don’t know the answer, I’ll pay you $100!”

This catches the engineer’s attention, and he sees no end to this torment
unless he plays, so he agrees to the game.

The programmer asks the first question. “What’s the distance from the earth to
the moon?” The engineer doesn’t say a word, but reaches into his wallet, pulls
out a five dollar bill and hands it to the programmer.

Now, it’s the engineer’s turn. He asks the programmer “What goes up a hill
with three legs, and comes down on four?”

The programmer looks up at him with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop
computer and searches all of his references. He taps into the Air phone with his
modem and searches the net and the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he sends
e-mail to his co-workers–all to no avail.

After about an hour, he wakes the Engineer and hands him $100. The engineer
politely takes the $100 and turns away to try to get back to sleep. The
programmer, more than a little miffed, shakes the engineer and asks “Well, so
what’s the answer?” Without a word, the engineer reaches into his wallet, hands
the programmer $5, and turns away to get back to sleep.