Being a guy is tops…

Your arsenal is never a factor in a job interview.

Your orgasms are real. Always.

Your last name stays put.

The garage is all yours.

Wedding plans take care of themselves.

You don’t have to curl up next to a hairy ass every night.

Chocolate is just another snack.

You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting shagged.

Car mechanics tell you the truth.

Princess Di’s death was just another obituary.

Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100. ‘Nuff said…

You don’t give a f**k if someone doesn’t notice your new haircut.

Hot wax never comes near your pubes.

Wrinkles add character.

A few well placed one night stands gain credibility, not leave you tarnished.

You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

People never glance at your chest when you’re
talking to them.

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

Porn films are designed with you in mind.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with “So

Men in a woman’s room!

A man was waiting in a long line for the man’s restroom when he saw that the lady’s room was about empty so he asked her if he could use it. She said, “You may. Just as long as u do not push any buttons.”” He agreed and ran in the door and in the stall. He thought to himself “” wow that’s a lot of buttons”” So he said oh i’ll just push this orange one… and then water splashed on his butt. He thought “”maybe another”” so he pressed the green one… which threw powder in his face. Then he pressed a red button that had the letters “”ATR””
When he awoke he was laying in a hospital room. He turned to a lady and said

Bar-B-Q Gril

An old woman and her old man were in the feild tending to the garden when the old man noticed his woman bent over and he said “Damn woman your ass is bigger than my new B.B.Q grill””. She replied “”Oh stop it Henry!”” Well he decided to go measure his new grill and it was 35 inches across

Flies

A woman walked into her kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly-swatter in his hand. “What are you doing?”” she asked.
“”Hunting flies

Wallpapering

After wallpapering the living room herself, the wife glares at her husband sitting in his rocker reading and snaps, “I busted my butt for you today!””
The husband glances up from his paper and observes

Male/Female Phrases

Haven’t I seen you before? Nice ass.

I’m a Romantic. “I’m poor.

I need you. My hand is tired.

I want a commitment. I’m sick of masturbation.

You’re the only man I’ve ever cared about. You are the only man who hasn’t rejected me.

I really want to get to know you better. So I can tell my friends about it.

It’s just orange juice, try it. 3 more shots, and she’ll have her legs wrapped around my head.

She’s kinda cute. I want to have sex with her till my dick turns blue!

He’s not my type. He won’t sleep with me.

I miss you so much. I am so horny that my dog is starting to look good.

I had a wonderful time last night. Who the hell are you?

Do you love me? I’ve done something stupid and you might find out.

Do you ‘really’ love me? I’ve done something stupid and you’re going to find out.

I’ll give you a call. I’d rather have my nipples torn off by wild dogs than see you again.

I’ve been thinking a lot. You’re not as attractive as when I was drunk.

I think we should just be friends. You’re ugly.

I’ve learned a lot from you. Next!

River crossing

Three men walking through the woods get lost and find themselves at a raging river. As night begins to fall the men turn to prayer.

1st man: Dear God, please help me to cross this river.

A rubber raft appears and the man paddles and fights his way across taking five hours.

2nd man: Dear God, please help me to quickly cross this river.

A wooden boat appears and he rows across to the other side of the river taking three hours.

3rd man: Dear God, please give me the presence of mind, the courage and ability to make it across the river.

The man changes into a woman, she reads the map, and walks over the bridge.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo

Listening Passively

Listening Passively

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the
amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.

After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “Well, what
about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”

The third fellow says, “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me
on her hands and knees.”

The first two guys were amazed. “Wow! What happened then?” they asked.

The third man took a healthy swallow of his beer, sighed and uttered, “She
said, “‘Get out from under the bed and fight like a man.”

UFO’s

How are men like UFOs?

You don’t know where they come from, what their mission is, or what time they’re going to take off.

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman