Osma Bn Laden, Uncle Sam and the Canadian

Three guys: a Canadian, Osama bin Laden, and Uncle Sam are out
walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a genie
pops out of it.

“I will give each of you each one wish. That’s three wishes
total,” says the genie.

The Canadian says, “I’m a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my
son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in
Canada.”

With a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* the land in Canada was
forever made fertile for farming.

Bin Laden was amazed, so he said, “I want a wall around
Afghanistan, so that no infidels, Jews, or Americans can come
into our precious state.”

Again, with a blink of the genie’s eye, *POOF* there was a huge
wall around Afghanistan.

“Uncle Sam” (A former civil engineer), asks, “I’m very curious.
Please tell me more about this wall.”

The Genie explains, “Well, it’s about 15,000 feet high, 500 feet
thick, and completely surrounds the country; nothing can get in
or out – it’s virtually impenetrable.”

Uncle Sam says, “Fill it with water.”

I Only Want 100

There was a little boy who prayed every night for two weeks,
asking God for $100. When he got no response, he thought it
would be a good idea to write to God and see if that worked.

The post office received the letter addressed to “GOD, USA.”
They decided that it would be best to just forward the letter to
President Clinton. The president read the letter and thought it
was cute, so he asked his secretary to send the boy $5, thinking
the boy would think that was a lot of money for a little boy.

When the boy got the letter, he was so excited that he sat down
immediately to write a thank-you letter. “Dear God,” he wrote,
“Thank you very much for the money you sent. I suppose it is to
be expected, but I thought you should know that when you sent it
through Washington, D.C., the stinkers deducted $95.”

Tali-ban

there is a deodorant called (tali) ban. because YOU are a
stinking terrorist!
it is Osama strength, and comes in a new goat scent. made for
camels, but fit for an asshole.

Republican Bill of Rights

ARTICLE I:
You do not have the right to a new car, big screen TV, or any
other form of wealth. More power to you if you can ‘legally’
screw someone else acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing
anything.

ARTICLE II:
You do not have the right to never be offended. This country is
based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone – not just
you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a
different opinion, or join a different klan.

ARTICLE III:
You do not have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a
screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect
the tool manufacturer to make you and all your relatives
independently wealthy.

ARTICLE IV:
You do not have the right to free food and housing. If you don’t
have a job – STARVE!

ARTICLE V:
You do not have the right to free health care. That would be
nice, but from the looks of public housing, we’re just not
interested in health care. If you get sick – get better or DIE!

ARTICLE VI:
You do not have the right to physically harm other people. If
you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, make sure
it’s a minority.

ARTICLE VII:
You do not have the right to the possessions of others. If you
rob a 711 you get 20 years. However, commit white collar crime
and you can run for public office.

ARTICLE VIII:
The government does not have the right to demand that our
children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching
conscience. However, it makes perfect sense to arm all citizens,
including children with handguns.

ARTICLE IX:
You don’t have the right to a job. If you have one, great! If
not, eat shit!

ARTICLE X:
You do not have the right to happiness. Being a white American
means that you have the right to pursue happiness. Otherwise;
Good Luck!

X-Files Top Ten Lines Never to Be Heard

10. “The alien is speaking, Agent Mulder….I think it wants to phone
home.”

9. “Sure we could have these people killed to protect what they know, but
wouldnt that be a little harsh?”

8. “Ive seen this one before, Scully. His name is Casper and he’s what you
call a ‘friendly’ ghost.”

7. “Look under the mask, this is no swamp monster, it’s Mr. Handy, the
owner of the old country store!”

6. “My Lord! This conspiracy involves all 3 of the Babor sisters!”

5. “Well, Agent Mulder, you’ve caught us. We’ll cooperate fully, of
course.”

4. “You’ll be happy to hear, Assistant Director Skinner, that I’ve
switched over to the nicotine patch.”

3. “The president wants to see you two immediatly. His cheeseburger’s
possesed.”

2. “And it would have worked, too, if it hadn’t been for you meddlin’ FBI
agents!”

1. “Gosh, I guess we were wrong….the government did have our best
intrests at heart, after all!”

Republicans

You may be a republican if:

- You think “proletariat” is a type of cheese.

- You’ve named your kids “Deduction one” and “Deduction two”

- You’ve tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if
people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

- You’ve ever referred to someone as “my (insert racial or
ethnic minority here) friend”

- You’ve ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed
to welfare.

- You’re a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

- You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

- The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because
heck, they’re richer than you.

- You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

- You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

- You call mall rent-a-cops “jack-booted thugs.”

- You’ve ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

- You’ve ever uttered the phrase, “Why don’t we just bomb the
sons of bitches.”

- You’ve ever said, “I can’t wait to get into business school.”

- You’ve ever called a secretary or waitress “Tootsie.”

- You answer to “The Man.”

- You don’t think “The Simpsons” is all that funny, but you
watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

- You fax the FBI a list of “Commies in my Neighborhood.”

- You don’t let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse
Bert and Ernie of “sexual deviance.”

- You scream “Dit-dit-ditto” while making love.

- You’ve argued that art has a “moral foundation set in Western
values.”

- When people say “Marx,” you think “Groucho.”

- You’ve ever yelled, “Hey hippie, get a haircut.”

- You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

- You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever
attacks your home.

- Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

- You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of
racism in America.

- You’ve ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

- You’ve ever said “Clean air? Looks clean to me.”

- You’ve ever called education a luxury.

- You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

- You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

- You came of age in the ’60s and don’t remember Bob Dylan.

- You own a vehicle with an “Ollie North: American Hero” sticker.

- You’re afraid of the liberal media.”

- You ever based an argument on the phrase, “Well, tradition
dictates….”

- You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch “lives in a trash
can because he is lazy and doesn’t want to contribute to
society.”

- You’ve ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their
bootstraps, when they don’t even have shoes.

- You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

Actual Dan Quayle Quotations

“I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I
have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could
converse with those people.” — J. Danforth Quayle

“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” — J. Danforth
Quayle

“Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a
mother and child.” — Vice President Dan Quayle

“Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts.”
— Vice President Dan Quayle

“Mars is essentially in the same orbit… Mars is somewhat the
same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen
pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there
is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we
can breathe.” — Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/11/89

“What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is
being very wasteful. How true that is.” — Vice President Dan
Quayle

“The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation’s history. I
mean in this century’s history. But we all lived in this century.
I didn’t live in this century.” — Vice President Dan Quayle,
9/15/88

“I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom
and democracy – but that could change.” — Vice President Dan
Quayle, 5/22/89

“One word sums up probably the responsibility of any vice
president, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle, 12/6/89

“May our nation continue to be the beakon of hope to the world.”
— The Quayles’ 1989 Christmas card. [Not a beacon of literacy,
though.]

“Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle, 11/30/88

“We don’t want to go back to tomorrow, we want to go forward.” –
Vice President Dan Quayle

“I have made good judgements in the Past. I have made good
judgements in the Future.” — Vice President Dan Quayle

“The future will be better tomorrow.” — Vice President Dan
Quayle

“We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the
world.” — Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/21/88

“People that are really very weird can get into sensitive
positions and have a tremendous impact on history.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle

“I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/89

“We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a *part* of NATO. We
have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a *part* of Europe.” –
Vice President Dan Quayle

“Public speaking is very easy.” — Vice President Dan Quayle to
reporters in 10/88

“I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle

“I love California, I practically grew up in Phoenix.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle

“A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to
the polls.” — Vice President Dan Quayle

“When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the
riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and
simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame.
Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.” –
Vice President Dan Quayle

“Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not
having it.” — Vice President Dan Quayle, 5/20/92 (reported in
Esquire, 8/92)

“Murphy Brown is doing better than I am. At least she knows she
still has a job next year.” — Vice President Dan Quayle, 8/18/92

“We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not
occur.” — Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/22/90

“For NASA, space is still a high priority.” — Vice President Dan
Quayle, 9/5/90

“Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our
children.” — Vice President Dan Quayle, 9/18/90

“The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that
Dan Quayle may or may not make.” –Vice President Dan Quayle

“We’re all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten
you on the mistakes we may or may not have made.” –Vice
President Dan Quayle

“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.” — Vice
President Dan Quayle

“[It’s] time for the human race to enter the solar system.” –
Vice President Dan Quayle

License Plate

TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT WITHOUT LOOKING AT THE ANSWER.

It took the Division of Motor Vehicles 6 months to figure out
and revoke this lady’s personalized license plate:

3M TA3

Can you tell why? See answer below.

FIGURED IT OUT YET???????????????????????????

THOUGHT YOU WERE SMART, HUH?

HERE IS THE ANSWER………….

It spells EAT ME in someone’s rear view mirror.