Uncle Ted

One day at the end of class little Johnny’s teacher has the class go home
and think of a story and then conclude the moral of that story. The
following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their
story, little Suzy raises her hand.

“My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck
and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well

Practical joke on his ex-girlfriend

The soldier serving in Hong Kong was annoyed and upset when his girl wrote breaking off their engagement and asking for her photograph back.He went out and collected from his friends all the unwanted photographs of women that he could find, bundled them all together and sent them back with a note saying, “I regret to inform you that I cannot remember which one is you — please keep your photo and return the others.”

Sick and Pompous General

The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.

For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.

One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.”

After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.

“Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.”

A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.

The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you” and withdrew.

An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?”

“Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.

“Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”

US Military Then & Now

1945 – we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home. 2000 – they put the real thing in the cockpit. 1945 – your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive. 2000 – she is in the same trench praying your condom worked. 1945 – medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own. 2000 – medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters. 1945 – a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people. 2000 – a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt. 1945 – wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories. 2000 – wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.1945 – all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again. 2000 – all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again.

Southern Party with Navy Officers

A US Navy cruiser pulled into port in Mississippi for a week’s
shore leave. The first evening, the Captain was more than a
little surprised to receive the following letter from the wife
of a wealthy plantation owner:

“Dear Captain,

Thursday will be my daughter, Melinda’s, coming of age party. I
would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried
officers.

They should arrive at 8 p.m. prepared for an evening of polite
southern conversation and dance with lovely young ladies. One
last point: No Mexicans. We don’t like Mexicans.”

Sure enough, at 8:00 PM on Thursday, the lady heard a rap at the
door which she opened to find, in dress uniform, four
exquisitely mannered, smiling BLACK officers. Her jaw hit the
floor, but pulling herself together she stammered, “There must
be some mistake!”

“Madam,” said the first officer, “Captain Martinez doesn’t make
mistakes!”

Aussie Trouser Snake.

An Australian Combat Field Engineer Sergeant and a U.S Marine were on exchange duty and were sharing the latrines.

The Aussie Sergeant finished first and walked out without washing his hands. The U.S Marine watched in disgust, finished his squirt, washed his hands and walked up to the Aussie Sergeant and said. ” In the U.S Marine Corps we were taught to wash our hands after a leak”.

The rather large Aussie Sergeant replied, ” In the Australian Army mate, we were taught not to piss on our hands …! “

Leutenant’s Daughter

The little daughter of a lieutenant answered a telephone call
while her parents were out. A man called, identifying himself as
Colonel Hendrick.

She asked if he would please spell the name slowly.

He said, “H as in horse, E as in egg, N as in nose, D as in
doggie, R as in rabbit, I as in Indian, C as in cat, K as in
kite.”

When her father returned, he found the following message:
“Daddy, call Colonel Horseeggnosedoggierabbitindiancatkite.”

Fishing for Insults

“I suppose,” snarled the leathery sergeant to the private, “that when you’re discharged from the Army, you’ll wait for me to die just so you can spit on my grave.”

“Not me,” observed the private. “When I get out of the Army, I never want to stand in line again.”

Nobody Move

Detroit: A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop
nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, “Nobody
move!” When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot
him.