The Wrinkled Nightgown

The Wrinkled Nightgown
A man and wife were celebrating their 50-year anniversary, so the man
bought his wife a $250 see-through nightgown. Later that night she was
getting ready for bed and realized the nightgown was still in the box
downstairs. Walking naked through the house, she passed her husband who
said, “My word

Safeway has made a $1.7

Safeway has made a $1.7 billion offer for Vons markets. Says Bob Mills,
“The amount of the bid became public after a checkout clerk was overheard
yelling ‘Price check on the company!'”

He adds, “the original offer was $2 billion, but then Safeway pulled out
a huge stack of double-value coupons.”

Thoughts

I wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence. There’s a knob called “brightness”, but it doesn’t work.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

What is mind? No matter What is matter? Never mind.

“MacDonald has the gift on compressing the largest amount of words into the smallest amount of thoughts.”

The average woman would have rather beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.

Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun.

Atlee is a very modest man. And with reason.

A professeur is one who talks in someone else’s sleep.

“He’s just a politician trying to save both his faces …”

A physicist is an atom’s way of knowing about atoms.

Serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.

Nihilism should commence with oneself.

TV is chewing gum for the eyes. — Frank Lloyd Wright

It’s lucky you’re going so slowly, because you’re going in the wrong direction.

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon…

An elderly lady did her shopping and upon returning to her car found four
males sitting in the car.

She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at
them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will
if required…so get out of the car!

The four men didn’t wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran
like mad, where upon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the
back of the car and got into the driver’s seat.

Small problem: her key wouldn’t fit the ignition. Her car was identical and
parked four or five spaces further down.

She reloaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The
sergeant that she told the story to nearly tore himself in two with
laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter where four very pale
males were reporting a car jacking by a mad elderly woman.

No charges were filed.

Embarrassing Moments

The following are the first three winners of a Most Embarrassing Moment’s Contest in New Woman Magazine.

“It was Christmas Eve, and I was on my feet all day working behind the cosmetics counter. I decided I would find a place to sit for a moment. I spied a tall plastic trash can and plopped down, resting my feet on a cardboard box. I allowed my body to ease into the can. About that time a few customers came to the register to check out, but I couldn’t get out of the trash can. I was stuck; I couldn’t believe it. The customers came around the counter to help me – some pulled my arms while others held the can. Then my manager came to the counter, wanting to know what was going on. He said he was going to call the fire department, who blasted in with sirens and lights. My hips had created a vacuum, so they had to cut me out of the trash can with a giant pair of scissors.” -Linda Evans; Winter Park, Florida

“While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving *right now*, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, ‘If you don’t let me go *right now*, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy’s pee-pee last night!’ “The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me were screams of laughter” -Amy Richardson; Stafford,Virginia

“It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. “As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ring downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggyback ride to the phone. Since we didn’t want to miss the call, we didn’t have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled, ‘SURPRISE!’ My entire family – aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins – and all my friends were standing there! My girlfriend and I were frozen in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity. “Since then, no one in my family has planned a surprise party again.” -Tim Cahill; Poughkeepsie, New York

John Kallam graduated with a

John Kallam graduated with a BA in criminology and entered the U.S.
Army. He served for 20 years beginning in the late 1930’s. He was
an investigator during the Nuremberg trials of Nazi war criminals,
and stayed in Germany for many years organizing civilian police forces
in the post-war era. He also wrote numerous books on criminal
justice. He retired from military service in the late 1950’s at the
rank of full colonel.

Returning to Fresno, California, he began teaching criminology at what
was then Fresno State College. (Later to become the California State
University, Fresno.) His work was well respected, but after about ten
years of service, he was called to see the president of the college.

He was informed that he could no longer teach with just a bachelor’s
degree. Times were changing, he was told, and the school demanded
that faculty members hold a graduate degree. Merely having 20 years
of distinguished experience was no longer considered sufficient
qualification to teach. All new faculty were being required to hold
a doctorate, it was explained, and the school was actually doing him a
favor by letting him keep his job by getting “only” a master’s degree.

So John enrolled in a summer program at an out of state college.
Three months of intensive seminars and then nine months of home study
would get him his MA.

On the first day of class, the instructor was taking roll. He stopped
when he read John’s name. “Are you related to the John Kallam who
wrote the textbook we’ll be using?” he asked.

“I am the John Kallam who wrote the textbook you’re using,” came the
dry response.

Learn’t from kids

For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. For
those who have children this age, this is not funny. For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control. The following came from an anonymous mother in Austin, Texas.

THINGS I’VE LEARNED FROM MY CHILDREN…(HONEST AND NO KIDDING):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 square foot
house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller
blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3 year olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded
restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong
enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman
cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread
paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When
using the ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times
before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by
a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too
late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36
year old man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass
can start a fire even on an overcast day.

10. Certain LEGOs will pass through the digestive tract of a four year
old.

11. Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t
walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show
they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not
like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5 minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

22. It will however make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy

Strange Deaths

  • JUST PLAIN BAD LUCK A fierce gust of wind blew 45-year-old Vittorio Luise’s car into a river near Naples, Italy, in 1983. He managed to break a window, climb out and swim to shore — where a tree blew over and killed him.
  • ALWAYS LOOK BOTH WAYS Mike Stewart, 31, of Dallas was filming a movie in 1983 on the dangers of low-level bridges when the truck he was standing on passed under a low-level bridge — killing him.
  • TAKE NOVOCAINE Walter Hallas, a 26-year-old store clerk in Leeds, England, was so afraid of dentists that in 1979 he asked a fellow worker to try to cure his toothache by punching him in the jaw. The punch caused Hallas to fall down, hitting his head, and he died of a fractured skull.
  • NEVER RETURN TO THE SCENE George Schwartz, owner of a factory in Providence, R.I., narrowly escaped death when a 1983 blast flattened his factory except for one wall. After treatment for minor injuries, he returned to the scene to search for files. The remaining wall then collapsed on him, killing him.
  • POOR SUCKER Depressed since he could not find a job, 42-year-old Romolo Ribolla sat in his kitchen near Pisa, Italy, with a gun in his hand threatening to kill himself in 1981. His wife pleaded for him not to do it, and after about an hour he burst into tears and threw the gun to the floor. It went off and killed his wife.
  • CHECK THE PULSE FIRST In 1983, Mrs. Carson of Lake Kushaqua, N.Y., was laid out in her coffin, presumed dead of heart disease. As mourners watched, she suddenly sat up. Her daughter dropped dead of fright.
  • FRAUD DOESN’T PAY A man hit by a car in New York in 1977 got up uninjured, but lay back down in front of the car when a bystander told him to pretend he was hurt so he could collect insurance money. The car rolled forward and crushed him to death.