‘Breviated Medicul Dickshunnary!

adenoids…..(n) Space critters whut are keepin’ Elvis alive on Pluto anasthesia…(n) Rushun princess y’all red ’bout in skool. antacid……(n) aloosinagenic drugs uzed by itty bitty bugz. bowel……..(n) A alfabit letter lyke A, E, I, O, or U or why? bronchitis…(n) dinosour frum the plastikseen age; extinked. catscan……(v) lukin’ fer hookers (don y’all do this) cauterize….(v) makin’ eye contak with a hooker (berry dangerous) d & c……..(n) Warshingtun; whar the weirdos, purvurts, & kongress type peepul live. emema……..(n) sumone who ain’t never no frend no how fester…….(n) yer unkles name (mos likelee) genital……(n) head of a army, fer sample, Genital Robert E. Lee heart……..(v) when u cauz pain to some1 hypodermic…(n) huge, big, fat zoo crittur; mostly live in de woter mamogram…..(n) short note sent 2 yer ma er other female papsmear…..(v) when peepul sez veri ugli things bout yer pappy recovery…..(n) place wear yew fix up yer fernitur rectum…….(v) whut happenz when yew drive yer pick up truck drunk seizure……(n) Emperore of Rome. series…….(n) tv continuin show, fer sample, Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C. testicles….(n) books of the Bible tumor……..(n) how many beers yew can drink after last call urine……..(v) xact oppisyte of yerrout

Lawyer and a redneck

A big shot city lawyer and a redneck got into a car wreck on a hot summer day.
The lawyer got out of his BMW and the redneck got out of his pickup to survey
the damage, and the redneck realized he was at fault… “YOU STUPID HICK!”
shouted the lawyer, looking with contempt at the redneck in his dirty overalls
and tangled beard. “Hick, huh?” though the redneck. “How am I going to get out
this?” After looking over the handsome, impeccably dressed and dignified city
lawyer in his $2,000 navy blue pinstriped suit, carefully knotted red silk tie,
starched white shirt, silver cufflinks and black dress shoes polished like
mirrors, $1,000 briefcase and hundred dollar haircut, the redneck walked back to
his car, got out a bottle, and brought it back. Mister Hotshot was checking his
suit and shoes to make sure they were not dirty. He handed it to the lawyer, and
said, “Here, you look pretty shook up. I think you ought to take a nip of this.
It’ll steady your nerves….IT’S HOMEMADE…” Mister Pinstripes did, but was so
angry about the wreck, he refused to speak. The redneck then said, “You still
look a little bit pale. How about another?” And the smug, pompous lawyer took
another swallow. After a few minutes, he began to feel the heat of the sun
through his wool suit. Then the redneck said �It�s mighty hot today. Folks
�round here don�t usually wear shoes on a day like this. Why don�t you take off
them fancy shoes, and the socks, too?�

The lawyer frowned: “Take off my shoes and socks? Do I LOOK like someone who
would walk around barefoot? That’s fine for rednecks, but not for a professional
like ME! These are $500 shoes!”

But after a few more sips, the redneck asked him again, and then again, and
finally the lawyer let out a drunken laugh, and took off his polished shoes and
socks. Then the redneck said: �Why don�t you take off that fancy tie?” “Take off
my tie?” said the lawyer with a sneer and slur in his voice. “I’m a lawyer!!!”
But then he looked down at his bare feet and took off his tie…

The redneck said: “And the suit? You look kind of funny standing there
barefoot in a suit! I got another pair of overalls you can wear while we fogger
out what to do about this situation!”

The lawyer tried to give him an arrogant look, but he was feeling the heat of
the sun and the liquor. He tried to resist, but…

Off came the jacket of the $2,000 pinstriped suit. Then the white shirt.
Finally, the trousers, too, and the lawyer pulled on the overalls.

At the urging of the redneck, the lawyer then took another sip, and another,
and another.

The suspenders and the cufflinks and the briefcase were all in a heap now, and
the lawyer was having a hard time standing up. After another half hour, the
lawyer said he was feeling pretty good, and asked the redneck if he didn’t think
that he ought to have a little nip, too. Then he realized he couldn’t find the
redneck… or his expensive clothes.

“Not me”, the redneck replied, stepping out from behind a tree and wearing the
lawyer’s clothes and holding the keys to his BMW. He looked at the formerly
well-dressed and dignified lawyer, barefoot in overalls and drunk as a skunk and
looking like a true redneck, “Here’s the keys to my pickup. Now that I’ve cut ya
down to size, I’m waiting for the state trooper!”

Give Budda a chance

It was graduation night at Cox High School and they were about halfway through the ceremony when the principal said, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we have a problem, Bubba is a few credits short and won’t be able to graduate tonight.”

Well now, Bubba was the starting right guard for Cox’s football team, and when the student body heard that he wasn’t going to graduate, they all jumped up and started to chant, “Give Bubba another chance, give Bubba another chance!”

Pat Dye and the principal had a quick conference and afterward, the principal announced that they have decided to give Bubba another chance.

Bubba is told that he will be given a “one question” math test and if he passes, he can graduate.

The question is, “What is 2 plus 3?” Bubba thinks for about 20 minutes and finally says, “I have it! The answer is 5!”

There is complete silence in the auditorium for a couple of seconds and then the entire Cox High School football team jumps up and begins to chant, “Give Bubba one more chance. Give Bubba one more chance!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing

Good’nuff fer us

Billy Joe and Betty-Sue get married and Billy Joe whisks her away to his daddy’s hunting cabin in the woods for a romantic ‘nature honeymoon’. He carries her across the threshold and they get into bed, when Betty-Sue whispers in his ear, ‘Billy Joe, be gentle, I air’ never been with a man b’fore.”WHAT?’shouts Billy Joe, and his little bride softly shakes her head. Billy Joe jumps out of bed, grabs his clothes and races out the door, into his truck… down the mountain… straight to his parents house… rushes inside screaming, ‘Hey Daddy! Paw! Git up!�His father rushes downstairs and gasps, ‘Billy Joe, what’re you doin’ here?’Billy Joe, still breathing hard from his mad flight, gasps, ‘Well, Betty-Sue and I was in the cabin and she toll me she ain’t never been with a man afore… so’s I rushed outta there an’ lit back here quick as I could.’His father grasps Billy Joe’s shoulder in reassurance and says, ‘Son, ya done the right thing. Iffin she ain’t good’nuff fer her family, she shure as shit ain’t good’nuff fer ours!’

Redneck quickies 35

You might be a redneck if…

You don’t know what a redneck is.

You’re still upset that they canceled “The Dukes of Hazzard”.

You thought ER was ET’s cousin.

You think a strip joint is where they disassemble cars.

You are in 6 grade and the only one in your family that can write your name.

You’ve ever been stuck in your own driveway.

You refer to your dog as the dishwasher.

Your car is made out of 17 others and each part is a different color.

You repair your car in the autoparts store parking lot.

You can name all the characters from the “Dukes of Hazzard”.

You recite lines from “The Dukes of Hazzard”.

You keep track of all the belt holders in all the wrestling leagues.

You got married in the family car, in a drive-thru chapel.

You search your computer monitor for the dial that changes channels.

Your idea of a fancy dessert is “moon pie ala mode”.

You just bought your family their lst Atari game system.

You and your wife celebrate your anniversay at the K-mart cafeteria.

You think the only tools “real men” need are duck tape and caulk, and you have sucessful repair projects to prove it.

You’ve tried to quote Jeff Foxworthy and screwed it up.

You name your car the General Lee.

Redneck quickies 38

You might be a redneck if…You think “Country & Western” covers both types of music. You’ve ever used a hangnail as a tooth pick. You can chew your own toenails.You’ve ever used an inner-tube patch on your jeans. You want the opening day of deer hunting season to be declared a national holiday.Someone knocks on your front door and your back door rattles. You let goldenrod grow in your yard because it looks so pretty. You’ve ever absent-mindedly nibbled on your live bait . . . and didn’t spit it out.Your best Sunday clothes include your John Deere baseball cap. You go to a wedding or any formal party and ask someone to pull your finger.Your friend tells you he went online last night, and you think he took a drunk driving test.Your mama has more tattoos than you do. You think the ATM machine is a giant, public calculator. Your favorite cologne smells like exhaust. You think its okay to have your 6 year old babysit your 5, 4, and 3 year old.Your dog’s shots are up to date but your children’s aren’t. You use the water in your toilet to bob for apples. Your whole family sleeps in the same bed. You consider your annual bath one too many. You wore a baseball cap to the opera.