A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th
birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared
and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she
would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The
fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was
the husband’s turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, “Well
Coming into the bar and ordering a double, the man leaned over
and confided to the bartender, “I’m so pissed off !””
“”Oh yeah? What happened?”” asked the bartender politely.
There was a greek couple on a honeymoon.
Being greek they didnt know what to do on the honeymoon. so the wife said to the husband
“ring your mum she will know what to do””
so the husband rang his mum and asked
“”mum what do people do on honeymoons””
“”you have sex of course””
“”oh yeah silly me”” replied the husband
“”what did she say”” the wife asked
1 Don’t call, ever.
2 If you like a girl, don’t tell her. It’s more fun to let her figure it out by herself.
4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and unoriginal, such as “spike””
6 Here’s a good pickup line
One day when Bill was out for lunch with his friend Jeff, they got into a conversation. Bill said
“I feel really bad about what I did this morning.””
“”Why?”” asked Jeff.
A guy noticed that his buddy was troubled and asked what was wrong.
“Ohhh, it’s my girlfriend.”
“Oh yeah? What’s the problem?”
“When I asked her if she could learn to love me,” he said, “she asked me how much I was willing to spend on her education.”
Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of “looming” retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies. The other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do.
The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, “Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year.”
The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, “I’m one of eighteen kids in my family.”
The first fellow’s eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain.
“The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing.” With a big grin he added, “My mom and dad would go to bed at night, and my dad would ask, ‘Do you want to go to sleep, or what?’ and my mom would say, ‘What?'”
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it was, and
always will be yours. If it never returns, it was never yours to
begin with. If it just sits in your living room, messes up your
stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and
never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place, you
either married it or gave birth to it!
A wedding occurred just outside Cavan in Ireland.To keep tradition going, everyone gets extremely drunk and the bride’s and groom’s families have a storming row and begin wrecking the reception room and generally kicking the shit out of each other. The police get called in to break up the fight.The following week, all members of both families appear in court. The fight continues in the courtroom until the judge finally brings calm with the use of his gavel, shouting, ‘Silence in court!’The courtroom goes silent and Paddy, the best man, stands up and says,’Judge, I was the best man at the wedding and I think I should explain what happened.’The judge agrees and asks Paddy to take the stand. Paddy begins his explanation by telling the court that it is traditional in a Cavan wedding that the best man gets the first dance with the bride. The judge says, ‘OK.”Well,’ said Paddy, ‘after I had finished the first dance, the music kept going, so I continued dancing to the second song, and after that the music kept going and I was dancing to the third song, when all of a sudden the groom leapt over the table, ran towards us and gave the bride an unmerciful kick right between her legs.’Shocked, the judge instantly responded, ‘God, that must have hurt!”Hurt?’ Paddy replies. ‘He broke three of my fingers!’
A guy in a ski mask bursts into a sperm bank with a shotgun.
“Open the fucking safe!” He yells at the girl behind the
“But we’re not a real bank.” She replies, “We don’t have any
money, this is a sperm bank.”
“Don’t argue, open the fucking safe or I’ll blow your head off.”
Demands the guy with the gun. She obliges and once she opened
the safe door the guy says, “Take out one of the bottles and
“But it’s full of sperm!” She replies nervously.
“Don’t argue, just drink it!” He demands. She pulls the cap off
and gulps it down.
“Take out another one and drink it too!” He demands. She takes
out another and drinks it as well. Suddenly the guy pulls off
the ski mask and to the girl’s amazement it’s her husband.
“There,” He says “It’s not that fucking difficult is it?”