Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.Support bacteria – they’re the only culture some people have.Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Why do people go to Burger King and Order a Double Whopper with a Large French Fry and insist on getting a Diet Coke? Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? Why is the alphabet in that order? If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into? If you got into a taxi and he started driving backwards, would the taxi driver end up owing you money?
When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”? Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? If a turtle doesn’t have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? If “con” is the opposite of “pro,” then what is the opposite of progress? Congress! Why do we wait until a pig is dead to “cure” it?
Why is the word abbreviation so long? How come you press harder on a remote-control when you know the battery is dead? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? You know how most packages say “Open here”.What is the protocol if the package says, “Open somewhere else”? Since Americans throw rice at weddings do orientals throw hamburgers?
What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane? Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? How do you KNOW it’s new and improved dog food? Why do they put locks on the doors of 24-hour stores? What do they use to ship styrofoam?
It must be true that men are from Mars. Look at how the place has deteriorated. On the other hand, you have different fingers. Married people don’t live longer than single people. It just seems longer. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, “Where’s the self-help section?” She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?
When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say? Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist? Why are wise man and a wise guy opposites? Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? Why isn’t 11 pronounced onety one?
The less attractive you are, the more intelligent you had better be.