Dramamines & condoms

A guy went to his travel agent and tried to book a two-week cruise for himself and his lady friend.

The travel agent said that all the ships were booked up and reservations were very tight at that moment, but that he would see what he could do.

A couple of days later, the travel agent phoned and said he could get them onto a three-day cruise.

The guy was disappointed that it was such a short cruise, but booked it . . . and went to the drugstore to buy Dramamines and three condoms.

The next day, the agent called back and reported that he now could book a five-day cruise. The guy said, “Great, I’ll take it!”! and returned to the same pharmacy to buy two more Dramamines and two more condoms.

The following day, the travel agent called yet again, and said he was delighted that he could offer them bookings on an eight-day cruise.

The guy was elated and, and went back to the drugstore. He asked for three more Dramamine and three more condoms.

The pharmacist looked sympathetically at him and said, “Look, I’m not trying to pry. . but, if it makes you sick . . why do you keep doing it?”

Rectum Stretcher

Pulling up to the toll both Jack handed the collector a $100.00 bill.

Looking incredulously at the bill, the collector, in a snappy tone, exclaimed “I can’t break this! I need exact change.”

“Come on buddy.” Jack pleaded, “Can’t you give me a break, just this once?”

“Nope. Sorry. Exact change!” Answered the collector.

“While thumbing through the change in his ashtray Jack asked the collector, “Do you really like this job?”

“Well it’s not the best job that I’ve ever had, but it pays the bills,” replied the collector. “what do you do for a living?” he asked.

Still counting change and without looking up Jack said, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”

“A what?” asked the collector.

“A rectum stretcher.” Jack replied, giving the collector a slideways glance.

“What does a rectum stretcher do?” The collector asked.

“Well just as the name implies, I stretch rectums.” Jack explained setting aside a nickle.

“Wow, is there much call for that kind of work?” The collector asked.

“Oh you’d be surprised. It’s real popular with the upper crust, the high society people, the jet set. It’s the new trend.” Jack said.

Pausing for a moment the collector then asked, “Well if you don’t mind me asking, I mean if it’s not too personal, how big do you, well you know…?”

“How big do I stretch them?” Jack interupted. “Most of them, not too big,” He continued, “but I have stretched some up to six feet.”

“SIX FEET!” The collector exclaimed eyes wide, and jaw slack. “Six Feet. What is someone going to do with a six foot asshole?”

Jack, having counted out the exact change, handed the change to the collector. Looking him in the eye, Jack answered, “Oh, put it on a toll bridge collecting tolls.”

Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis

Beckham

David Beckham decides to go horse riding. Although he has had no previous experience he skilfully mounts the horse and appears to be in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.

Victoria admiringly watching her husband.

After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.

Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.

David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.

As the horse gallops along David’s head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.

Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!

Hearing her screams, the Tesco Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Nervous old lady

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically put his arm out of the window.

Well she couldn’t stand it any longer, so she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered in his ear.

“Young man, you keep both hands on the wheel….. I’ll tell you when its raining!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

The Fastest Camel

A man had traveled into town after several weeks in the desert with his trusty camel. The camel had been his sole companion for years but eventually, time had slowed the poor beast down.

The man was considering getting a new camel when he saw a sign outside of a store advertising the following:

WE MAKE YOUR CAMELS TRAVEL FASTER. GUARANTEED OR YOUR MONEY BACK!

The man looks at his camel and decides to give it a shot. He goes in the store with his camel and the vendor asks him,” What can I do for you?”.

“Well, sir,” the man replies, ” I noticed your sign and I’m interested in your help. You see my camel’s been slowing down a bit and I don’t really want to trade him in for a new one.”

The vendor says, “That won’t be necessary here. We make your camels run faster. It’s guaranteed.”

“O.K. Let’s do it.”

The vendor says,” Please pull your camel over this way onto the platform.”

While the man is steadying his camel onto the platform, the vendor disappears into another room and returns with two large bricks.

“Stand back,” he cautions the traveler.

The vendor goes behind the camel with bricks in hand, and smashes the camel’s balls.

The camel runs out of the place like a bat out of hell.

“Wow!,” said the man,”That’s the fastest I’ve seen him run in years! But how am I going to reach him now?”

The vendor says with a smile,”Please step onto the platform, sir.”

Three men and a group of canibals

There was a French man, a German man and an American man. They
were all travelling together on a far off island looking for
treasure. They soon ran into a group of canibals who wished to
eat them. The leader spoke up and said:

“Here, you may kill yourselves with a weapon of your choice,
then we shall eat you and save your skins to make our canoes.”

The French man said “Here’s to all the wine in Bordeaux, from my
wonderful country,” then he shot himself in the head.

The German man said “Here’s to all the beautiful women in my
beloved country,” then he stabed himself through the heart.

The American said “Here’s so that you can’t make me into a
canoe,” then he stabbed himself several times all over his body
with a fork.

Fun at the airport

During the ‘rush hour’ at Houston’s Hobby Airport, my flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. We were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find that a third gate had been designated for us. After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as we were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement,’We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should ‘deplane’ at this time.’A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. ‘Sorry,’ he said, ‘wrong plane.’

Rolls with a Bed

A guy driving a Yugo pulled up to a stoplight next to a Rolls Royce. He rolled down his window and shouted to the driver of the Rolls. “Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got a phone in your Rolls? I’ve got a phone in my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls looked over and said snobbishly, “Yes, I have a phone.”

The driver of the Yugo said, “That’s great man! Hey, you got a TV in there? You know, I got a TV in the back seat of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, quite irritated by now, replied, “Of course, I have a television. A Rolls Royce is the finest luxury car in the world!”

The driver of the Yugo said, “Yes, a very cool car! Hey, you got a bed in there? I got a bed in the back of my Yugo!”

The driver of the Rolls, upset that he did not have a bed, sped away and went straight to the dealer, where he promptly ordered a bed to be installed in the back of his Rolls Royce.

The next morning, he returned to pick up his car, and the bed looked superb. It came complete with silk sheets and a brass-trimmed headboard. It was clearly a bed fit for a Rolls-Royce.

So the driver of the Rolls began searching for the Yugo. He drove around all day and finally found the Yugo late that night. It was parked, with all the windows fogged up from the inside.

He got out and knocked on the window of the Yugo. When there wasn’t any answer, he continued knocking and knocking until finally, the owner of the Yugo lowered the window, and stuck his soaking wet head out.

“I now have a bed in the back of my Rolls-Royce,” the driver of the Rolls stated arrogantly.

The driver of the Yugo looked at him narrowly and said, “You got me out of the shower to tell me THIS?!?!

Vietnam

The prime minister of Vietnam met with President Bush at the White House.

As you know, Vietnam is a communist country so there is no democracy, there is no freedom, but don’t worry, there is no oil either so we won’t be going back.

-Jay Leno