Flying high

Airline employees’ entertaining little quips – all real:

‘Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately.’

Pilot: ‘Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seatbelt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land… it’s a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern.’

And after landing: ‘Thank you for flying Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.’

As a plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a voice comes over the loudspeaker, ‘Whoa, big fella, whoa!’

After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a flight attendant announced, ‘Please take care when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like that, sure as hell everything has shifted.’

From an airline employee: ‘Welcome aboard Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab into the buckle and pull tight. It works just like every other seatbelt and if you don’t know how to operate one, you probably shouldn’t be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling. Stop screaming, grab the mask and pull it over your face. If you have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children, decide now which one you love more…

‘Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments.

‘Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults acting like children.’

Just after a very hard landing in Salt Lake City, a flight attendant’s voice came over the intercom and said: ‘That was quite a bump and I know what y’all are thinking. I’m here to tell you it wasn’t the airline’s fault, it wasn’t the pilot’s fault, it wasn’t the flight attendants’ fault… it was the asphalt!’

Another flight attendant’s comment on a less than perfect landing: ‘We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to the terminal.’

After another hard landing, the first officer was finding it difficult to look anyone in the eye as they exited the plane. Almost everyone had got off the plane when this little old lady walking with a cane asked him, ‘Sonny, mind if I ask you a question?’
‘Why no ma’am,’ said the pilot, ‘what is it?’
The old lady said, ‘Did we land or were we shot down?’

After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the flight attendant came on with. ‘Ladies and gentleman, please remain in your seats until Captain Crash and the crew have brought the aircraft to a screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tyre smoke has cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we’ll open the door and you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.’

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