Next time you’re invited to a boring social event, try one of these excuses to why you can’t attend:
I’D LOVE TO BUT…
… I don’t want to leave my comfort zone.
… I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
… I have to answer all of my “occupant” letters.
… I have to fluff my shower cap.
… I have to fulfill my potential.
… I left my body in my other clothes.
… I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
… I’ll be looking for a parking space.
… I’m being deported.
… I’m converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
… I’m giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
… I’m going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
… I’m sandblasting my oven.
… I’m taking a crash course in punk totem pole carving.
… I’m worried about my vertical hold.
… I’ve come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
… I’ve got a Friends of the Rutabaga meeting.
… it’s too close to the turn of the century.
… my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
… my plot to take over the world is thickening.
… my subconscious says no.
… none of my socks match.
… the grunion are running.
… the last time I went, I never came back.
… the monsters haven’t turned blue yet; I have to eat more dots.