Letter from College

Dear Mom and Dad:
It has been four months since I left for college. I have been remiss in
writing and am very sorry for my thoughtlessness. I will bring you up to date
now, but before you read on, please sit down. Don’t read any further unless you
are sitting down …

OK?

Good. I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the
concussion I got from jumping out of the window of my dormitory when it caught
fire, shortly after my arrival, are pretty well healed now. I only spent two
weeks in the hospital and now I can see almost normally and only get three
headaches a day.

Fortunately, the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an
attendant at a nearby gas station, and he was able to call the Fire Department
and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to
live because of the burnt-out dorm, he was kind enough to invite me to share his
apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it is kind of cute. He is a
very fine boy and we have fallen deeply in love and are planning to get married.
We haven’t set the exact date yet, but I’m sure it will be before I start to
show.

Yes, Mom and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to
being grandparents, and I know you will give the baby the same love and devotion
and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our
marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from
passing our premarital blood tests, and I carelessly caught it from him. This
will soon clear up, thanks tomy daily penicillin injections. I know you will
welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind, and although not well
educated, he is ambitious Also, he is of a different race and religion than
ours, but I know, after all your years of teaching me tolerance, that you won’t
mind the fact that heis somewhat darker than we are. I am sure you will love him
as I do.

His family background is good, too; I am told that his father is an important
gunbearer in his native African village.

I guess that’s it. Now that I have brought you up to date, I want you to know
… There was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or skull fracture,
I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged, I do not have
syphilis and there is no man of another race in my life.

However, I am getting a “D” in History and an “F” in Science, and I wanted you
to see these marks in their proper perspective.

Your loving daughter,

Chelsea

P.S. Stanford is great…I love it, though I miss you both terribly…and
Socks, too!

P.P.S Dad, please give my best to Monica & the others.

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